Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The eye of the storm

Do you guys know how hard it is to stay positive when there’s so much world-suck?

It’s the end of a new month and heads are yet again rolling at the place where I work. Which would be fine if could just close my eyes and pretend it isn’t happening. But I can’t because I’m the person who changes their employment status in our systems. I read their resignation letters and check if they have any special compensation that should be effectuated. I file their personnel-file under terminated employees.

I feel like I’m in the center of a tornado, at the very eye of the storm. As long as I don’t move, then everything around me is nothing but a beautifully chaotic kaleidoscope. But if I even for a second forget that I can’t control the storm or where it takes me, I risk being pulled out of the peaceful suspension I’m in and thrust into the swirling madness.

  

I’m letting go, enjoying the ride and feeling thankful for the stunning view. Because what else can I do? Besides. It really is beautiful.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

You look pretty! *


I had a really great Friday night.

After work I went to a café, fully intending to study and do my homework. I had my computer-science book with me. I had my chocolate iceblend with whipped cream by my side and my computer was ready to program some java.

What did I do?

I opened a word document and started typing.

I ended up with 2300 wonderfully messy new words on my story. Apart from this blog, I hadn’t been writing for a few weeks. The feeling of the words just flowing from me and into the story was amazing.

You might think that it all ended there. That I just got home and went to bed and that was the end of a very good day.

It wasn’t. It got better.

I called my sister, asking if she wanted to hang and I ended up going to her place.

She was reading my blog as I entered her apartment and was getting worried by the teen-angstiness of my recent posts.**

She decided I needed some cheering up and we watched a really funny episode of Supernatural (the one with this clip in it – seriously, I love Dean Winchester).

The evening could have ended there. I mean. It’s still a really good Friday night.

It didn’t.

We watched a DVD made by Susan Hay called Heal your Life. My sister thought I needed the motivational boost and I’ve got to say she was right. I would like to do a whole blogpost about the thoughts it started in me, the quotes I remember from it and how I stayed at my sister until 2 am talking about it.

But let me say this. I’ve found my mantra. It’s subject to change at any time, but right now?

I love myself. I forgive myself.

I love myself just as I am. I forgive myself for all the bad I’ve done and all the good I’ve neglected. And I’m letting go of all resentment.

I love myself. I forgive myself.

Have a great day everybody!

* I coudn't think of a title for this post, so instead I've distracted you with a compliment. You really do look pretty. And yes. I like you too.

** Yeah. Ehm. I use this blog as an outlet for my dreams, doubts and frustrations. I don’t take my negativity out on other people. What good would it do them to hear me whine? At least when it’s in its written form, people can gloss over it or jump to the next blogpost. In real life I’m kind of all smiles, all the time. I wouldn’t say I’m faking my happiness, because I don’t. I just don’t see the point in moping around. What good does that do? But all the angst and sadness has to emerge at some point, and this blog is where I choose to let it out.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Oh look! Despair. How I've missed you.

I’m supposed to apply for the IT University of Copenhagen to get my master's degree. Because according to like everybody, you NEED a master’s degree. ‘People’ won’t take you seriously if you only have a bachelor-degree (in Denmark we are a special breed of education-snobs).
 
Aaron Paul  understands that real knowledge comes from living.
Not from getting fancy degrees. 

I haven’t sent in my application yet. Deadline is April 1st. Can’t this all just be part of some elaborate April-fool’s joke?

I haven’t applied yet, because truth be told I don’t really want to go back to school. I don’t want to be consumed by stress. I don’t want to live on a tight budget. I don’t want to spend every waking moment consumed by guilt because I should be studying. I don’t want to borrow money from my parents. I don’t want things to change. I don’t want to, I don’t want to, I don’t want to.

 
Aaron Paul doesn't want to either. 
Remember that new mantra I was talking about? Yeah. I think I just figured out what it is. I don’t want to. Not exactly what you might call a productive mantra.

So yeah, I need a new new mantra.

And I really need to figure out what to do with my life. 

PS
While surfing for pictures of Aaron Paul, I found this website. Totally made my day.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Sweet dreams...

Let me set the scene.


It’s a warm summer night and it would seem that a city that never sleeps has begun to at least dose of. The moon is small and the stars are bright.
A man wanders the lonely street, softly humming this song to himself.

Stars shining bright above you
Night breezes seems to whisper, you’ll die soon
Birds singing in the sycamore trees
Dream a little dream of me?

Say nighty night, we'll meet soon
Why hold on tight, theres no one to miss
you
While you’re alone as blue as can be
Dream a little dream of me

Stars shining but I linger on dear
Still craving your screams
I’m longing to linger ‘till dawn dear
Just saying this…

Sweet dreams they’ll never find you
Sweet dreams that leaves all worries behind you
And in your dreams, whatever they’ll be
You dream a little dream of me



I promise I'm not a total psycho.

Honestly.

Sometimes?

I just want to watch the world burn... 

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

New Mantra Needed

I read this post by Natalie Whipple and something about it struck a chord.

By the way if you don’t already, I highly suggest you to follow her blog. It’s filled with educational, thoughtful and inspirational posts. Like this one.

She’s talking about the difference between fixing a problem in a story and polishing the story to make it shine and how the former is inherently negative and the latter is more positive. If you focus on the problems, they will expand until one day, they are all you can see.

I hate to admit it, but she’s right. And why don’t I want to admit it? Because I’m one those who focuses on the problem. ‘How can I fix this?’ is a mantra that is on repeat in my mind. This need to fix things is inherent in me, whether it is in regards to my stories of my life in general.

I’ve recently begun to wonder if I should try to dial it back a bit (and look at me, trying to fix the problem of me trying fix my problems – is your head spinning as well? Ahem. Anyway.).

You might say that it’s just a matter of semantics, but if you’re a writer like me, you know that words have power. Words really do shape the way we look at the world and more importantly, how we act.

I need to find a new mantra. Instead of ‘How can I fix this?’ I need something that focuses on the positive aspects of my story/my life/my everything.

Once I find it, I’ll be sure to let you know what it is.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Hmm hmm bah humbug?

Not much going on today. No funny videos or cute guys I just have to introduce you to.   

It's not that it’s a bad day. It’s just a bleh day.

I’ve been thinking about boys. Why I like them. Why they like me. Why I even bother.

I mean, what's so wrong with just growing old and dying alone?


Ehm, that came out wrong… but really. Why do we need to have a One True Love? Every marriage that doesn’t end in divorce, ends in death. No matter what you do, you will eventually lose your One True Love.

So why does finding one still matter to me?

Why is it that when I flirt with guys and get compliments, I smile and feel better about myself? Why do I need that validation? Do I really have so low self-esteem?

When do you know that a guy is the one? And if you have to ask yourself if he might be the one, doesn’t that automatically mean that he’s not? 

These are the things I’m thinking about today. Lots of questions and no answers.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

If colors could be boys...

I'm going to the dentist later today. Nothing major, and hopefully nothing that will hurt. But I expect it to be a costly affair, unfortunately.

Instead of dwelling on ‘Bad stuff’ (always a such evil time-sucker) I’ll think of ‘Happy stuff!’

This being some of the stuff that in some capacity can make me smile.

First off, have you ever been to MLIA.com? It’s a webpage dedicated to all the average people out there and it consists of small stories from average people (of course, some of the stories are more awesome than average, but they make me smile none-the-less).

And of course there is Aaron Paul.
 
He doesn't like going to the dentist either...  

I like the color purple. Like, really like it. If purple were a boy, I would date him. He would have the cutest smile with dimples, and ruffled, untamed hair. And his skater-clothes would be too big, but somehow just the right size for him.

But uhm yeah. Until that day when scientists can successfully turn a color into a guy, I’ll just dye my hair purple and let that be that.

 
Me with purple hair. It’s almost all gone now, but rest assured, the purple will be back. Unless I decide to go with green, because, yeah. If green were a boy he would stare at me seductively and ignore me at the same time. He would have that whole Chuck Bass-thing going for him.

Dentist in T-90 minutes. Wish me luck!

Monday, March 14, 2011

I know you are, but what am I?

There is a Danish song that I really like, mostly because of the lyrics. It's called "Karrussellen" by Balstyrko (it means The Carousel in English and it's a tongue-in-cheek song about life and living).

The pivotal part of the song for me are these few lines:
Hver eneste ting du ser i mig
den kan kun findes der inde i dig

Translated (and paraphrased) it goes something like this:
Every single thing you see in me
Will be in you as well

It’s interesting to think that how you see the world (and what you see in it) says more about you than it does about the world.
And one thing is for sure – we cannot see anything in another person (or anything else for that matter) if it does not exist within ourselves.

Some of this is because of psychological projection (read more about that concept here [I really believe all writers - and generally all humans - should be familiar with this psychological mechanism so click on that link]) but it’s also because we can only identify correctly that which we recognize.

Notice how I slipped that little ‘correctly’ in there? Because, of course, even though we think we know why another person reacts as he/she does, we might be wrong. We are inclined to assign our value-system to the person we’re trying to figure out. But of course, we don’t all operate based on the same values. We don’t all want the same thing or feel the same way. And assuming that we do, can get a you into a lot of trouble. A useful plot-device, by the way.
 
We assign motivation and reason to the people we surround ourselves with. We make excuses, see certain sides yet ignore other aspects. We might think that people are as we perceive them, but really, they aren't.

We need to be aware of the fact that we are only seeing the sides of the person that we want to or that our perception allows us to. As time passes we will see more and more of the person and get to know him/her better. But there are still things we will never know.

Everything you see in me, will be in you as well.

 
This is closely related to a Danish saying: "Tyv tror hver mand stjæler". 

It means that a thief will think that everybody else is a thief as well (by the way, is there an eloquent English saying for this? Please share in the comments if you know).

What you see in the world is a reflection of your internal belief system. It might sound absurd, but what you see in the world, is nothing but what is inside you (again, this is related to psychological projection - go click on the link!).

 

Your personality isn't just something that is inside you. It colors every aspect of your life and everything around you. And if you claim you don't know yourself, then pay attention to the world around you. What do you see? What do you assign value? Notice both the good and the bad stuff, really anything that makes an impression. It all has something to say about who you are.

You should also try to keep this in mind when writing your story. How does your main-character see the world? How do they act in it? Are there discrepancies?

Of course, there can be conflict between what they say and do, and how they see the world. This would usually cause a person to be unhappy or even downright miserable. Maybe that's what you're going for, I mean, who want's a happy main-character?
 
Everything I see in you, will be in me as well.
It's both a comforting and a scary thought.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Warning - exclamationmarks in the following post (!)

I went to the Dr. Who Experience!!

And I have pictures to prove it!!!

 
That is me. In front of the TARDIS!!!
(and a weird stone creature I don't regocnize, so please just focus on me and the TARDIS!)

  
I'm actually touching a Dalek here!!
Is it childish that I was absolutely terrified by being so close to these metal-creatures? Because, uhm yeah, I was. And you can't see it, but there was actually a kid inside the Dalek, making it move and screaming 'Exterminate! Exterminate!!' at me. So yeah again. Definitely scary.
I was like a kid in a candystore, being at that exhibition. It's only in London for a limited time. Then it's going to be moved permanently to Cardiff. I will definitely be back for another ride in the TARDIS.

And for all of you who didn't have the good sense to fly to London to see the exhibition, here are a few pictures of the Tenth and Eleventh Doctor (because Matt Smith is charming as well and his hair looks so soft...)
Noone pulls of 3D colored glasses like the Tenth Doctor

 
I really do love a man in a suit...

Hello dear Mr. 11. I know you've got big shoes to fill, what with David Tennant being as awesome as he is. But you're doing a really, really good job. 

 
Seriously, doesn't the hair look really, really soft?

Have a great day!! (and here are a few more exclamationmarks just for good measure !!!!!1!!)

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Get happy?

Sometimes, you hear an idea and think to yourself that's it's crazy. That it will never work. That the only place that idea could work, would be in an alternate reality where up is down and stupid is the new cool.

But sometimes, it's those ideas that are the very best.

How aboout a medical drama doing a musical number?

Let me just say that for House, it works. (I'm a bit more hesistant about  the Grey's Anatomy episode but we'll see when it airs...)



On a personal note, sometimes, when I'm feeling blue it does sorta feels like the world is screaming at me to get happy (which of course only makes it worse).
But uhm yeah. If Hugh Laurie were there, actually singing it to me, it might help.

Here's to all the crazy ideas in the world. I hope they live long and ridiculous lives filled with straigthjackets, blue jello-shots and an abbundance of pills (and that some of them decide to live in my stories).

Monday, March 7, 2011

Back to reality

I'm sitting at my local cafe and trying to get used to being back in my life. I am unbelievably tired, but it's a good kind of tired, you know?


People keep asking me what I did while I was in London and I haven't been able to give a coherent answer yet. It's all jumbled, like the narrative of what I did is still being sorted out in my mind.

I'm sitting here, trying to get to some sort of point, but I don't think there is one. I'm glad to be back though.

Of course I spent some time in the bookstores. During my time in one, I saw Paranormalcy by Kiersten White and I couldn't help but smile. I've read her blog for a couple of years and followed her on her road to publication (you should read her blog too, it's here).

Is it weird that I'm proud of her, because of what she has accomplished? I've never met her, but through her blog I've come to feel like I know her. She is filled with life and positive energy (which might at least partly be because, she has Dr. Pepper running trough her veins instead of blood) and she just seem like a genuinely nice person. She has on occasion spoken openly about some of her struggles, including fighting depression as a teenager and I admire her honesty, openness and general awesomness. To see her dream of being published come true is something that makes me happy.


Sometimes, good things happen to good people. Everytime it does, it gives me hope that if I just strive to be a good person and follow my heart, then good things will happen to me as well.

Perhaps life really is as simple as that.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Living your dreams

Whenever I go to an airport, I get this feeling of wonder and excitement, as if anything is possible. I see planes leaving for Greece, New York, Dubai and if I really wanted to, I could step aboard one of those flights and just travel the world.

Sometimes I get this same feeling of ‘Everything-is-possible’ from watching Doctor Who. I mean, am I the only one who’s ever fantasized about becoming the Doctors companion?

Picture of the Tenth Doctor, because really, why not?

This afternoon I’ be heading out to Copenhagen Airport and board a flight that will take me to Stansted, England. I’ll be staying with friends not far from London and on Saturday I’ll be going to The Doctor Who Experience!!! (Yes, three exclamation marks, because it’s THAT awesome!)

Step into the TARDIS and be part of the adventure… – starring you as the Doctor’s companion"

I mean, can you believe it? Yesterday I wanted nothing more that to get in to a car with Aaron Paul and just drive far, far away. Today I get to board a plane headed to London. And I get to be the Doctor’s Companion on Saturday!

 Matt Smith as the 11th Doctor, standing in front of the TARDIS.

This is what Steven Moffat had to say about the exhibition:
“The Doctor Who Experience is a fan’s dream come true […]This is the day the Doctor teaches you how to fly the TARDIS through time and space, and takes you into battle with all his deadliest enemies in a brand new adventure.“

I treasure these moments where it feels like I’m living my dream-come-true.

Gives me hope that my other dreams will come true as well (yes I’m looking at you, Great-big-publishing-deal and you, Road-trip-with-Aaron-Paul).

If you can dream it, you can live it.