Friday, September 11, 2015

On Nothing, Apparently.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted on this blog. Part of it is because I’ve been busy with work. But it’s also because I’ve been going in circles in my head about this existential crisis that I’m in.

I still don’t have an answer. I’m not used to problems I can’t solve.

I’ve been trying to figure out how to describe this paradox that I’m experiencing.

What’s happening is that I know that life is unfair and meaningless. Life is random and will end up hurting me.

But despite this, I still choose to get up in the morning. I go to work. I make things happen at work. I see my family and friends and help them when I can. I keep on keeping on, and I don’t understand why.

Life is finite. It will end. Why am I not trying to get more out of it?

I should quit my job, I should chase my dreams, I should do everything in my power to get as much living into this one life that I have.

But I don’t. I just continue living my humdrum life.

This is a paradox I can’t wrap my head around.

If life is meaningless, why do I still follow the rules as prescribed by society? Why do I conform to what’s expected of me?

I’m thinking about this and dismissing any answers just as fast as they appear.

It’s not because I’m afraid. I decided long ago never to let fear rule my life (and as a consequence have done lots of amazing things).

It’s not because I’m lazy. I have the ability to achieve what I set my mind to. I’m simply too stubborn to give up and I’m not afraid of hard work. I actually quite like working hard towards a goal. It gives me a sense of accomplishment.

It’s not because I don’t know what to do. I could start writing more. I could start travelling more. Seeing more friends. Living more. The possibilities are endless.

It’s not because I’m exhausted. I have energy. I do things.

So what’s holding me back?

Nothing. Apparently.