Monday, July 14, 2014

Forget Your Troubles, mkay?

I’ve decided that my mood is random as fuck. Today I woke up angry at the world, hating everything in it, including myself. I thought I’d feel better after I got my morning exercise done. I didn’t. I thought I’d feel better after the shower. I didn’t. I thought I’d feel better after breakfast. I didn’t.

At this point I contemplated drinking coffee with no milk in it just because I wanted to make myself suffer.* The twisted logic was that since I was angry at the world, I might as well have something proper to be upset about.

I chickened out though and didn’t do it. Even in my hatred of the world I recognized that it would not make sense to add to the suckiness of it all by drinking unpleasant things.

I don’t know how, but sometime during the day, my mood got better. It seemed to happen without me noticing?

It’s like I’m a three year old kid crying because I just dropped my icecream cone. Show me a pretty picture or give me a swing-around and I’ll forget it all.

Is it really that easy?

I really love this version of the song. Who doesn't love a high-top-hat wearing House singing a song?

It reminds me of how in a Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Ford explains that the secret to flying is to simply forget that you are falling. The hard part is to do that while you are hurling towards the earth at great speed.

Is the secret to happiness simply to forget to be sad?

It sounds too simple.

I have this tendency to overthink everything, though, so who knows.

I’ve always liked the Vlogbrothers and their slogan: Don’t Forget To Be Awesome. It kind of goes in the same vein of how your default state is positive. We were always meant to be awesome. Sometimes we just forget.

And rather than obsess about it, thinking of how you need to be a better version of yourself, and how you need to fix all your problems, maybe you just need to chill the fuck out?

I know I do.

Namaste motherfuckers.

*To those of you who prefer your coffee black – I mean no disrespect. I can appreciate that we don’t all like the same things. I just absolutely hate coffee with no milk in it. It’s too bitter and it just doesn’t sit well in my stomach. And it stains your teeth more than if you add milk. Maybe one day I’ll be adult enough to actually enjoy a cup of steaming black tar, but for now I prefer it with milk. 

Monday, June 9, 2014

Thoughts You Have As a Newly Minted Fulltime Adult (Riiight?)

I can’t seem to focus on anything.

I don’t even know how I’m feeling. I can’t sense my thoughts.

And the above doesn’t really make any sense. I know damn well how I’m feeling. I just can’t seem to connect these feelings with any sort of cohesive thought.

So for now I won’t even try.

I read a book yesterday. I finished it in one setting. It wasn’t even all that good, but I couldn’t be bothered to get up, so I thought, why not?

I don’t know how I feel about the book. It was alright, I guess. The main character was tired of being manipulated by everyone and had a general distrust of everyone. Parents – they fuck you up. But apart from that she was still a decent human being, believing in the goodness of others, even though it seemed she didn’t feel like she deserved any kindness herself.

After I finished the book I saw the newest episode of Orphan Black which was awesome as always. I t was a quiet episode where nothing much happened plotwise, but you got a sense of how the pieces were being moved across the board to create a set up for something bigger.

I feel like my life is on hold. No one is moving the pieces of my life around. No one is setting the stage for greater things to come.

Anyway. After watching Orphan Black, I got caught up on Game of Thrones. Got to watch four episodes in a row and that’s always fun times. People were betrayed. Some died. Some had sex. No graphic nudity though.

And after that I watched Iron Man. I really just love watching RDJ as Tony Stark. It seems like it was the character he was born to play.

After that I tried to read some more, but seeing as it was past 3 AM, and the book I was reading was boring as fuck, I just decided to say fuck it and go to sleep.

I just feel discontent. Which is bullshit because I have it all, but that doesn’t seem to make a difference to my brain.

I’m not being very kind to myself.

It always feels like I only have two settings: Full warp-speed ahead and fuck I’m a slug.

It worked alright when I was in school, because I always had so much shit to do so I never really fell into the slug state for long. I had a stuff to do to pull me out of my vegetative state.

But I don’t anymore. I have a wonderful job and an apartment and friends. But I suck at actually calling friends. Whenever I get a chance to be alone I grab it and cherish it. I rarely write people asking them to hang out. I just don’t do it. I don’t know why though.

I don’t feel at ease. I feel like I should be more.

I think it’s probably natural to feel this way? I mean, I’ve had this thing call school fill my every waking moment for the last 2½ years. Now that I don’t have that I feel empty.

I knew on some level I’d feel this way too. I guess I just didn’t know I’d feel it for this long?

I somehow always expect myself to be less affected by shit that happens. I’m always impatient. Always expecting myself to be able to absorb the changes quicker.

I don’t feel like I’m not a student anymore. I’m still just as lost. Still just stumbling through life. Still have a horrible haircut.

But I don’t get to call myself a student anymore.

And while I’ve celebrated my passing into the full-time working life, I don’t think I’ve actually mourned the death of one of my most cherished identities; I’m no longer a student at ITU. I don’t get to be that girl anymore.

Instead I get to be the woman who landed the job in one of the best companies in Denmark.

But where the fuck do I go from here?

I’ve never been good at planning ahead. I like goals. Every goal I have ever set, I have achieved.

But how does one excel at being a working woman? What is the next logical step here? Where the fuck am I headed?

I’ve been trying to not think about this too much. I’ve been telling myself that it’s the journey and not the destination that matters. But if I don’t even have an idea of what the destination is, how am I supposed to get up every morning and enjoy the journey?

This past month I’ve been drifting. And to drift for one month is not that bad. I’ve been doing my duties at my job, but if I’m being perfectly honest, I haven’t given it all I got. I’ve done what I had to, to scrape by unnoticed, but not much more. And that’s not good enough. That’s not who I am.

I’m the one who gets the job done. I’m the one you can count on to deliver those reports you need, that slidedeck, that fucking email. I get shit done. And you might not know the extent of my capabilities. You simply know that when I get a task, I get the job done. I don’t ask too many questions, I don’t try to re-organize and control every single detail. I simply present my findings.

My job is not to offer solutions. My job is to find the root causes of the problems and present my findings.

I like that job. It’s a good job.

I don’t feel Im doing a particularly good job of it right now, though.

I miss my past.

I want to go back.

And it’s so freaking unfair that you can’t.

My roommate from the university I went to in the states just texted me a pic from our first shopping trip together. I miss those days. I miss being that girl who attended university in the states and lived with three Norwegians. I miss going on road trips. I miss feeling like I was living a dream.

I’ll be headed back to the states in the fall for a vacation. I need something more to look forward to than just my next vacation. But what?

I don’t know. I don’t know.

I feel less jittery now. More focused. Not more happy. Maybe even on the contrary?

But life isn’t about being happy. It’s about being whole.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Patterns - The Stories we Tell Ourselves

I've repeated some patterns to death these last 7 years. There's a reason I hardly talk about guys on this blog. It's because it's always the same story. I meet a guy I like. I tell myself that it's nothing. He shows interest in me too and then I get hurt because I overthink everything. This happens once in a year or maybe less.

I just returned after a break and read the above paragraph. I started to delete it because it's so obviously wrong but I think I'll let it be.

Let me point out all the ways that first paragraph is wrong.

I am not the fucking reason why my relations to men never work out. It's not because I overthink it. It's not because I'm doing it wrong or scaring them off. I am not the fucking cause of the problems or the reason we don’t work out.

It’s also never the same story. The guy in question, the circumstances, my feelings; all these things are different each time.

When I meet a guy and things don’t work out, it’s due to a wide array of issues. Maybe it's timing. Maybe he's immature as fuck. Maybe he's in a weird place in his life. Maybe he's depressed. None of the above things are my fault. I am not the cause of these issues.

Which of course means that I can't control these things either. Sometimes shit just doesn't work out. And that's OK.

I can't believe I'm 27 and still have to remind myself that I am not in control of the universe.

I'm taking a chill pill now.

If I could control the universe I’d set myself up for a date with Tom Hiddleston.

 

But since I can’t I’ll just be content with posting pictures of him and appreciating the fact that he exists. It gives me hope.

Tom is like the black swan that proves that even though all you’ve seen in real life so far are white swans, other kinds of swans do exist.

I feel no remorse about this Tom Hiddleston black/white spam. It's just simply marvelous.

But I do feel it's important to note that the patterns you notice in your own behavior? They might not actually be there. It's just stories we tell ourselves to make sense of the world. Usually when I tell myself the story of my life, I put way too much importance on the consequences of my actions. But the alternative - letting go - has always terrified me more than the guilt I felt for not being good enough.

But I think I have to start letting go and be more kind to myself. I'll keep you updated on how that goes.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Failing the Bechdel Test

I’m sitting at my local coffee shop.

Next to me are two young women. Not particularly pretty, but not unattractive either. And all they are talking about are boyfriends and how they used to have them and how they don’t anymore and how they feel comfortable where they are. If their life was a movie, it would not pass the Bechdel Test.

One of them noticed that her ex-boyfriend deleted her on facebook over the weekend. Not because she’s stalking him or anything. She just notices stuff like that really quick. Riiiiiight.

And then she goes on to talk about how she would totally go for that guy she met at new year’s eve. But she’s like really enjoying being single and getting to know who she is when she’s on her own.

I’m really eaves dropping aren’t I?

They’ve left now. So now it’s just me and my own thoughts.

This one woman (who did most of the talking) kept on insisting she was happy, but her whole way of thinking and the things she talked about just didn’t match up. If you are happy being single why are you checking your ex’s facebook? Why are you thinking about that guy you met almost 3½ months ago and that ‘you’d totally go for’ if he called? It’s been months – it’s not going to happen. Why are you not present in your own life as it is? Instead you’re caught up in the whole ‘could have – would have – should have.’

Sitting here thinking about it, It sounded like she was trying to convince herself that she was happy.

I pity her.  And I see myself reflected in her. It’s actually pretty uncomfortable to see myself as someone I don’t like.

You can bet that whenever I judge somebody, I judge myself by the same standards.

I don’t quite know what to do about it.

I could try to be more positive, but that would just be the equivalent of me trying to convince you guys that I’m totally fine and a-okay as a way to convince myself. But I’m not happy about my life right now. And trying to pretend won’t be enough.

Fuck it.

I’m going to work some more on my excel spreadsheet of wonder and rainbow colors and figure out what to do some other day. It’ll be a problem for Cat from the Future. She’s much smarter than me anyways. She’ll know what to do for sure.

Monday, April 14, 2014

Non-consequential Thoughts

I had this post written where I complained a bit about my life and stuff in general, and I was all ready to hit publish, but then I thought – why would I share this with the world?

I don’t really think about what I post here. It’s mostly just whatever’s in my head. But you know that friend that always complains and never seems to be able to be happy about anything? That friend is exhaustive to be around. Thinking about it now I actually think I’ve successfully managed to not have that kind of friend anymore.

But I don’t want this blog to turn into the cyber equivalent of a negative nelly.

So yeah. Non-trivial shit and stress is getting me down at the moment, but fuck that. There are more interesting things about me I’d like to tell you.

  • In an attempt to not being defined by my job I signed up to do a 8 km obstacle course, military stile. It’s called Toughest. Because it’s the Toughest race out there. Yeah – I’m not even kidding you.
  • I want to write and publish articles on knowledge management, the networked organization, and whatever other buzzword I can think of. That’s gonna be a project for the next time I’m bored.
  • I got a new washing machine. When you turn it on and open the side-door, lights come on inside it. It’s freaking awesome. 
  • I’m considering working Pocahontas and ‘Colors of the Wind’ into my presentation at work. You only have the fun you make yourself, right? But the thing is my job is pretty … conservative. It’s famous for it in Denmark. And I’m not quite sure they’ll be able to handle a Disney reference in a presentation about our IT application landscape. It’s also going to be my first presentation. Maybe I shouldn’t press my luck? 
  • I just spent an hour writing this post (twice) instead of doing actual work. But then again, it’s 8PM so I guess it’s okay to be not working.

Aah, who am I kidding. I’ve got an excel spreadsheet to gaze lovingly into.

*plays ‘Colors of the Wind’ on Spotify*

Toodles!


Monday, March 31, 2014

Ahoy! It's a Dane!

hard. We are expected to form social relations with the people we go to school with or the people we work with.

You’d think we were stuck in 18th century England where it’s frowned upon to talk to anybody you haven’t been formally introduced to, but the fact of the matter is that this is still kinda of the reality in Denmark.

Of course, almost none of the norms apply to situations in which Danes are intoxicated. When a Dane is drunk, the social norms are different. All bets are off so to speak. This is also why lots of people ‘hook up’ when they’re out partying. That’s usually the first step of dating a Dane. More on that here, if you want to read it – it’s a good read and fairly accurate.

Now of course – not all Danes are like this. We don’t growl at strangers when they approach or anything. But the general consensus is that if a strangers walks up to you and starts talking to you (outside of school, work or private parties) that stranger is either A) Crazy, B) Trying to sell you something or C) A tourist. Maybe even all of the above. Whichever the case, it’s not someone you particularly want to interact with.

It’s not because we dislike strangers. I’m sitting here trying to figure out why we are this way. I don’t really know. It’s just seen as rude to talk to anybody you don’t have any business talking to. It also extends beyond that. Even among friends, it’s really rude to just drop by somebody’s home. If a friend of mine out of the blue knocks on my door I’ll assume some sort of tragedy just happened or that something is really, really wrong.

I think part of the reason why we are this way, is because it’s seen as really rude to just assume that the person you’re visiting doesn’t have anything better to do than entertain you. Now I might be perfectly happy to see you. I might even have missed you. But if you show up unannounced on my doorstep I’m going to be annoyed too, because you’re messing up my plans.

Maybe it’s just that Danes as a population can’t handle unexpected occurrences?

Should something unexpected to occur, you can count on a Dane on handling it with a cool calm. They will always be polite. The most impolite thing a Dane will do might be to just not respond when you’re talking to them. They’ll simply ignore you in the hopes that you will go away. Because that is how we as a population deal with uncomfortable things. We ignore them and hope they go away. They usually do.

But as polite as we are, we don’t like to exchange meaningless pleasantries. The classic one is Americans that always ask ‘How are you?’ no matter what the situation is. Don’t get me started on that one. I mean – do you really want to know how I am? Like, really? You are interested in hearing about the details of my life and my mood? And then you ask me in a setting where they only thing I can possible answer is ‘Fine-thank-you-how-are-you?’ as quickly as possible because it’s a fucking shop and I’m leaving as soon as you hand me my receipt which will be in 2½ seconds.

I got used to that question. I learned to smile and say thank you. But it’s still the definition of being superficial and rude in your relations to strangers. Don’t ask me how I’m doing unless you have 30 minutes to hear me talk about my life, the meaning of it all, and the fact than I’m hungry.

This post got rather long, didn’t it? I'll stop now then - talk to you later.

Toodles

xoxo

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Springing Back to Life

Things are cyclical. I know this. It’s something you don’t quite get when you’re a teenager and experiencing everything for the first time. You roll you’re eyes when adults tell you that things will get better.

But they’re not lying. Things do get better.

I’m home in Denmark again. This past month I’ve been to Scotland and Qatar with my new job. It’s been pretty hectic. I love it though. I still can’t believe I actually ended up where I am (which is in Business IT within a huge firm –the sky is the limit in this place).

It's springtime in Copenhagen. I took this picture this morning (and made it look better by using filters in instagram). The first days of sunshine after the winter always makes me happy. I love it. 

I’m sitting at my local cafĂ© enjoying the fact that I’m home. I love my city more when I’ve not seen it for a while. And I’ve hardly have time to see it this month.

But as with anything cyclical I know this feeling of peace and harmony I have will disappear again. Which sort of makes it more precious?

Anyway. Cycles seems to be the theme of this post. And it seems this blog might come back to life again. I nod my head to Weak Thrust and look forward to see how their comeback will play out. Twisted as you all are, I do love you. Maybe the revival of my blog will equal yours.