DOA - for reals

I'm pretty sure I killed the Zombie. Or maybe I'm becoming one myself?

I have no clue.

You know what? I should put up a new sign next to my thesis office.

Don't Dead. Open Inside.

DOA

In case you didn’t know, writing a thesis is freaking hard.

I’m up in my elbows of the guts of this paper. I made quite a mess of the analysis. Words are splattered everywhere. If this was a murder scene, then the analysis would be the guts sprawled all over the floor. It’s bloody. It’s messy. Something has clearly gone very wrong.

But I’m going to ignore it for now.

I have to tackle the discussion.

So I’m staring at the head of my victim, trying to figure out how to cut into the brain and get the pieces out I need.

I don’t want to make a mess again. But I think I’ll have too.

This thesis writing is brutal business.

And somehow my thesis ended up being a metaphorical murder victim?

Also, I’m not sure if this metaphorical murder victim is alive or not.

Oh well. It’ll probably end up being zombie. I can deal with that.

So apparently I'm blogging about my job now?

I had a really great day at work.

My colleague and I managed to win in foosball and give the other team a bright and shining egg. I love when that happens.

The weird part is a lot of not so great stuff actually happened today. But we came together as a team and fixed it. I love when you're able to feel like you're actually working together - and not just people working within the same vicinity.

So what happened? A little after 2PM a lot of our systems started crashing. I am responsible for most of our web-based applications. Every single one I’m responsible for (on our SharePoint and .NET farms) were unresponsive. Our automatic phone systems were down as well. The combination of this affected all of our 2000 employees.

I’m in application support, in case you’re wondering. I know a bunch of stuff about the different applications and I help develop new ones and maintain the ones we’ve got.

I don’t know a whole lot about servers. I don’t have any hard technical education, with the exception of a java-programing course.

I have access to every server that is important for the applications I support. And when the applications became non-responsive, I logged on to the web-front-end servers in the SharePoint farm and there was no issues I could see. The load-balancing tool told me that they were online and working just fine.

So when everything seems to be working, what do you do? You reboot everything you can get your hands on.

This was done by the server-team.

But it didn’t work.

Now at this point about an hour had passed. I’d given notice about the error to the relevant people in the business. And I had called users from our different locations in the country and established that it was indeed all users across the board that was unable to access the web applications.

Not sure what to do, I logged onto the application servers and started checking the event logs. It turned out there were a lot of error messages regarding one of the SQL servers in the SharePoint farm.

On the SQL server, there was some information messages about a failed windows update in the event log.

I gave this information to the server team, and it confirmed their suspicion that it was an issue with a group policy that had affected the firewall of the SQL servers. This had also been the issue with the Solidus server responsible for the phone application.

It meant that they now with certainty knew what was wrong. And how to fix it.

And it sounds so fucking obvious when you write out like this. Like of course, this is what was wrong. But I feel proud as hell, because I actually helped solve a server-related issue.

Usually when our systems crash I fidget around a bit but I’m never able to actually contribute anything that the server-team isn’t already on top off. So either I’ve gotten better at this. Or they’ve gotten slower.

Anyway. I kick ass at my job. And I had sushi and champagne for dinner.

All in all a pretty good Friday.

I hope you all get to have days like this too, once in a while. They’re nice.

A Sunday in Copenhagen

I’m back in Denmark again and I feel like I’ve been hit with a sledgehammer.

Is it possible to get a hangover without actually having any alcohol? This is the worst.

Anyway.

The leaves on the trees are pretty. All yellow, red, and green. The skies are grey and everything is wet.

I’m trying to get my brain into gears. I have tons of work to do on my thesis.

And this is where I’m supposed to be positive about my thesis-progress, so here goes: I think I’ve finally found the right angle in my discussion. For the first time in months I actually have an idea of what my final conclusion will be. Now I just have to line up all the arguments for and against, and write a discussion that effectively demonstrates that I know what I’m talking about.

Ha. What do you know. The sun is shining again. It’s breaking through the grey clouds.

And now I’ll get to work.

Have a wonderful Sunday out there.

Btw, I've started reading Deadpool. He's awesome. I love my characters a little crazy and with a ton of bad puns.

Hocus Pocus

I wanted to explain to my sister how my thesis was going along. I used the metaphor of magic.

It’s not that I have extensive experience crafting spells but I’ve read enough urban fantasy to know my way around an incantation or two.

The first step is to pick the spell you want to use and then line up the ingredients that you need. Now some of these ingredients might be a little hard to come by (e.g. blood of a dead sinner or the last breath of a virgin).

But you know it’s possible to collect these things. It’s not out of the realm of possibility. It’s just a matter of hard work and knowing a guy, who knows a guy, who knows a guy. Either that or you sell your soul to a demon to get some of these ingredients. I’ve watched enough of Supernatural to know that that isn’t a good course of action though.

 Halloween in San Francisco.

Once you’ve gotten your ingredients all lined up, you start to mix them. You say words of meaning. You stir a pot of green goo and watch as the bobbles pop in sync with your incantation. You do the witchy stuff that ties the spell to the purpose at hand.

It’s important to stay focused at this point. You have to make sure that all ingredients are used in the correct manner, and applied in the correct order. The devil is in the details, and if you don’t pay attention to him (and the details), he might come after you.

You’re getting close to the really exciting part now. You’ve done the tedious work. You’ve done the hocus-pocus witchy stuff. But you’re still not done.

You need to center yourself, collect all of your intentions and will this spell into actual existence.

It’s going to take determination. It’s going to take will-power. It’s going to be the hardest thing you’ve ever done.

It’s not easy to create something from nothing.

You need to know with every fiber of your soul that you’ve completed the previous steps perfectly, because they are your foundation now.

You need to be steadfast in your determination to complete this spell. Doubt is not a luxury you can afford.

For some this last step is done in a frenzy of activity. For others it’s a slow burn, where you enter a meditative state. Regardless, you cannot stop until you’re done. And the last step will always be the hardest.

Hopefully you’ll succeed in the first try. The alternative is that you have to collect ingredients anew and start over, paying extra attention to ensuring that your foundation is sturdier this time.

 More Halloween in San Francisco. I really love Halloween.

I’m at the stage where I’m beginning to mix my ingredients. I’m binding my spell to the artifacts I’ve chosen to be a part of my thesis. I’m still not quite sure I’ve gotten everything just right yet, so I’m moving forward slowly, double checking that everything fits together as it should. That my ingredients complement each other as intended.

So please excuse me while I continue working my magic.

Time travelling

I’m going to travel for 11 hours tomorrow and land 2 hours into the future.

Also known as going on a jet plane and flying to San Francisco.

I leave for the airport in 10 hours. I haven’t packed a thing yet and my apartment is a mess. But I have caffeine on my side. And sugar.

You should drop by and say hello. Not in my apartment. That would be weird, since I’m leaving very soon. And I don’t think my roommate would appreciate you just dropping by.

No, come to San Francisco instead. I’ll be there until the 18th of October.

It feels weird going back. I’ll only be there for 16 days and that’s just not enough.

To be honest I don’t know why I’m going. To see the city, I guess. To get away from Denmark. But it’s not like me to do stuff without and explicit purpose – without a plan. But this time I haven’t had time to plan. I just booked the ticket and found a place to stay. The rest will take care of itself, right?

By the way, I do not appreciate the country shutting down just as I am about to go there. That’s not really giving a friendly vibe and rolling out the welcome wagon you know?

I'll leave you with this picture I took today.

 

Yes, I'm abusing the filters on instagram. But it's pretty. 

The next sunset I see will be in San Francisco. I'm looking forward to that.

Fake it 'till you Make it

I’ve been having difficulties with my master thesis. Every time people have asked me about how it’s going, I’ve told them that it’s hard and I’m struggling.

I’ve been complaining about my master thesis so much lately that even I am getting tired of hearing about it.

No more talk of me being tired. No more ‘woe me, life is hard’-shit.

I am going to fake it until I make it.

And believe me I’m going to make it.

Hand-in is in 71 days, so let’s get down to business.

I’m writing a case-study about hitREcord.org

hitRECord is an open collaborative production company that has produced several short films, books, posters, t-shirts, etc. It is directed by Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and I think the mention of his name, merits a picture of him.

 
I have a folder in my thesis project called motivation, which is filled with pictures of JGL. Yeah. Don’t judge me)
hitRECord is currently producing a TV-show to be aired on Pivot, a new cable network, in the spring of 2014, and from what I can gather, they are on track to deliver eight episodes as promised.

Showing their content on a cable network is bound expose hitRECord to a new audience and to attract more users to their website. I’m curious as to whether they have the organizational, managerial, and technical infrastructure in place to handle this expected growth.

The hitRECord website already has 200.000 users, so they’re not a small organization – this is not a case-study of how to go from a small entrepreneurial company and onto the next level. This is a case-study of how to transform a thriving business into a noticeable player in the ‘major league’ of Hollywood movie production.

I could go on but I’m finishing up a section of my theoretical foundation.

I will talk to you later.

Blurred Life

Sometimes I think about how others live their lives.

A glance at my Facebook feed tells me they’re either getting drunk, getting married, or having kids.

But do they all get up in the morning and want to do whatever it is they’re doing?

I feel like the days of my life is blurring together. There’s work. There’s studying. There’s the occasional beer or coffee with a friend. And there is sleep. In between that I try to squeeze in some exercise and if I’m really lucky an episode of Attack on Titan or Breaking Bad.

But like, that’s my life. That is how my time is spent.

I don’t know. It feels kind of empty.

Maybe it will get better once I no longer have school.

I think I’m just tired. 

Source 

Next post will be better. I just missed posting on this blog.

Salt Lake City?

I got offered a position in Salt Lake City. Or rather strongly encouraged to send an application by the manager who’s going to do the hiring.

My first reaction? Absolute glee. I really wanted to do it. I was honored that he would ask me. Delighted that I was given the opportunity. Ecstatic about the prospect of actually doing it – getting a job in the states.

Then the fear and the panic set in. This wasn’t a job offer after all – just an encouragement to send in a resume. What if I wasn’t good enough? What if I didn’t like it? And was Salt Lake City even where I wanted to go? I had always pictured myself to be more of a coastal kindda girl. And Salt Lake City? Capital of the Mormons? I drink. I swear. I’m a mess half of the time I’m awake. What if I went to the other side of the world and there was no one there to catch me when I fall?

Then my planning instinct kicked in. I thought about my apartment in Copenhagen – how was I going to pay off the mortgage? What about the vacation I had planned in October? Would I have to cancel it? And what about my thesis? Would I still have time to work on my master thesis along with all the hassle and stress of relocating to a different country? And what about my family? I’ll admit; part of me likes to have my family on the other side of the world. But I love them too. And I want to be there for them.

All these voices in my head are saying no. It’s clear that it’s a bad idea. The timing is off. Maybe if I wasn’t writing my thesis it would be better. Maybe if it was a coastal city (like NYC of SF) it would be better.

I know that there are a lot of practical reasons as to why taking a position in Salt Lake City is a bad idea right now.

But what I feel is shame.

I feel bad that I’m not jumping on this opportunity. This is something I’ve always wanted – to move to the states with nothing but two big suitcases and a pocket full of dreams. I’ve always wanted to create a life for myself free of the strain of old relations and bad habits. I’ve always wanted to do the things that sound awesome to do.

A friend of mine is relocating permanently to Montreal. She’s flying off into the sunset in about three weeks. And I’m so happy for her. And not at all jealous actually. I know my time in the states will come.

I’m just afraid that I’m letting that opportune moment slip through my fingers because I’m too afraid to reach out and grab it.

Am I being a coward?

Some years ago I made a promise to myself that I would not let fear be the only thing holding me back from doing stuff. I became an expert in asking myself ‘why not’. Why not go out? Why not talk to that guy? Why not go skydiving? Why not study in the states? Why the fuck not live my life as I damn well please? (See? I definitely swear too much..)

It’s been fun.

And I’ve learned to separate what was fear from what were valid concerns. Or so I thought.

The thing is this is the first time I’m considering doing something where it feels like it’s more than fear holding me back. It’s not just me being neurotic and imagining stuff. I’m not just making up excuses. (riiigth?)

Finishing my master thesis is a priority of mine. Being there when my brother gets to be dad for the first time is a priority. Watching that kid grow up? I want to be there for it all. But how can I if I live in the states?

I’m afraid that I’ll lose the people I love.

It’s one thing to go away for 4 months to study abroad. It’s an entirely different thing to leave and never come back.

I don’t know where I’m going with this.

And I still don’t know if I should send that resume or not.

It's Messy Before it's Clean, Right?

My room is a mess. I suck at doing stuff like vacuuming and putting clothes on hangers. Not a good combination of things to be sucky at.

Update on the friend business: It wasn’t what I thought it would be. But nothing is broken so that’s good.

And other than that I’m trying to get myself into thesis-writing mode.

Like for real. I have 6 months where I have to write a thesis. It’s really doable. But I’m pretty stumped by the step of finding a problem to write about.

So to remind myself that I’m further along than I think I am, I’m going to make a list of stuff I’ve done:

• I found a subject that perfectly combines Technology and Business: YouTube
• I wrote a list with 16 areas of YouTube I’d like to investigate further.
• I wrote a 20-pages paper about user interaction and gamified processes on YouTube
• I found my thesis advisor
• I’ve read about persuasive technologies, gamification, business models, motivational theories, and a bunch of other stuff I can’t remember.
• I went to a lecture about big data and found out that it really is just a buzzword.
• I’ve bought books about behavioral and cognitive economics, information visualization, and the fallacy of technological solutionism (give them to me Amazon so I can read them!)
• I’ve investigated the business model of YouTube and found that they are constantly trying to increase their revenue, currently by diversifying their products.

So I’ve done stuff. But I want to do more. And most importantly, I need to find my angle on this project. So far I’ve found that even though I knew YouTube was a huge area to tackle, it is even larger than I thought. Maybe even larger than life? Anyway. All I need is a good title and the rest will follow.

Ideas so far include “YouTube: A Case Study of a Persuasive Business” and “How YouTube Creates Revenue: Aligning Consumers, Contributors, Creators, and Customers”. Maybe I should go in a totally different direction: “Why YouTube Trolls are the Best Trolls” or “YouTube: It’s the Shizzle!” or “YouTube: The Parasite of Google?”

I mean, the possibilities are endless, and that’s kindda the issue. Suggestions are welcome in the comments.

Love and Skydiving - A Well-known Metaphor

Have you ever sky-dived? 

The scariest part of sky-diving is the part where you’re sitting on the edge of the plane, and you’ve just watched the people before you jump out and become tiny black dots in a matter of seconds.

You’re sitting on the edge, wondering why you ever thought it would be a good idea to fly 13000 feet up in the air in a tiny airplane, strap yourself to a stranger and jump out of the plane.

But once you’re there, sitting on the edge, you don’t have a choice. The guy you’re attached to has all the power and when he pushes you out of the plane, the only thing you can do is try to remember to breathe.

The first few seconds are absolutely terrifying. There is no up or down. There is no center of the world. There is only cold air and complete confusion.

The guy you’re attached to knows what he’s doing though. So even though it feels like an eternity, you are very quickly horizontal in the air, arms and legs bent in the correct position.

You are now rushing toward the ground faster than you could ever have thought possible.

Once you’re falling like this you can’t scream. The air is rushing toward you in far too great a speed, forcing into your lungs. So you grit your teeth and do your best to just breathe. The air burns cold as you breathe in through your nose. You remember you were supposed to look up and once you do that, the fall doesn’t seem quite as scary. Keeping your eyes on the horizon you see the mountains. The pretty, pretty sights. And if it wasn’t for the difficulty of breathing and the rushing sound of air you might be able to forget that you’re hurling towards the earth in 60 miles an hour.

You actually fall for such a long time that it starts to feel a little bit comfortable. It’s still a chaotic sensation of wind and coldness, but the view is pretty and the feeling is exhilarating.

Then the guy on your back signals that it’s time to pull the chute.

You might have thought that the best part of a sky-dive is the falling. But falling is overrated.

When the chute opens and you go from 60 miles an hour to 10 miles an hour it feels like time stops and you’re just stuck in the middle of heaven, floating.

Serenity.

That is the word that best describes this feeling.

The rushing sound of the wind stops and you suddenly realize how peaceful the earth really is. You look down, and everything is still tiny below you.

Insignificant.

And still so very important.

But this post isn’t just about sky-diving. It’s also about love.

Whenever I kiss a guy I really, really like, I get this feeling that I’m falling without a parachute. It’s the most exhilarating, fantastic, and scary experience. And you’re so lost in falling that you forget that you’re even supposed to be wearing a parachute.

I’ve come to not particularly like these kisses. Because when you fall without a parachute it’s going to end bloody.

Last weekend I kissed an old friend. We have always balanced that fine line, but timing has never worked out before now. And it’s not true love – we’re both too jaded right now for that. And we each deal with issues that make us unfit for each other. But I trust this guy more than any other. I’ve told him my deepest darkest secrets. And he hasn’t rejected me. He’s been there. And we’re not super tight like that. We don’t hang out that often. But for the last ten years he’s been the guy I knew would always be on my side. He’s been my friend. And I’ve been his friend.

Anyway. We kissed. And it just felt so natural. So comfortable and effortless. As I left his place and took the bus home I felt safe and completely happy with myself and my actions. Because I knew I trusted him. I knew I liked him. But I also knew that I didn’t have to be afraid of us ever becoming a couple. Of us building a future together. Of me sacrificing my dreams for his happiness (the story of most of my relationships). It just felt right.

It felt like he was my parachute.

And I know I’ll land soft on the ground sometime in the future. Everything has to end after all. But right now I’m just enjoying floating in the air.

Because after all falling is overrated.