On Nothing, Apparently.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted on this blog. Part of it is because I’ve been busy with work. But it’s also because I’ve been going in circles in my head about this existential crisis that I’m in.

I still don’t have an answer. I’m not used to problems I can’t solve.

I’ve been trying to figure out how to describe this paradox that I’m experiencing.

What’s happening is that I know that life is unfair and meaningless. Life is random and will end up hurting me.

But despite this, I still choose to get up in the morning. I go to work. I make things happen at work. I see my family and friends and help them when I can. I keep on keeping on, and I don’t understand why.

Life is finite. It will end. Why am I not trying to get more out of it?

I should quit my job, I should chase my dreams, I should do everything in my power to get as much living into this one life that I have.

But I don’t. I just continue living my humdrum life.

This is a paradox I can’t wrap my head around.

If life is meaningless, why do I still follow the rules as prescribed by society? Why do I conform to what’s expected of me?

I’m thinking about this and dismissing any answers just as fast as they appear.

It’s not because I’m afraid. I decided long ago never to let fear rule my life (and as a consequence have done lots of amazing things).

It’s not because I’m lazy. I have the ability to achieve what I set my mind to. I’m simply too stubborn to give up and I’m not afraid of hard work. I actually quite like working hard towards a goal. It gives me a sense of accomplishment.

It’s not because I don’t know what to do. I could start writing more. I could start travelling more. Seeing more friends. Living more. The possibilities are endless.

It’s not because I’m exhausted. I have energy. I do things.

So what’s holding me back?

Nothing. Apparently.

Looking at the Rulebook

I want to break a few rules. I want to raise a little hell. I want to see what happens when you take a walk on the wild side.

This post will be brought to you by Neal Caffrey (as portrayed by Matt Bomer) because he has that suave touch that I want in my life.

The thing is though I don’t have anyone to show me the ropes. None of my friends really walk on that wild side.

I’ve spent my life following the rules. I quite like the security of it all – the soothing repetition of my habitual life and the calm serenity that comes from knowing what the day will bring.

I've watched the first three seasons of White Collar. I enjoyed them. Good fun. Nice suits. I even like the hat. I've chosen Neal to be my guide into the 'wild side'. 

Obviously I’m not looking to become a criminal mastermind. I’m thinking baby-steps. But what should those baby-steps consist of?

As I evaluate the rules that surround me I feel overwhelmed. It’s hard figuring out which ones make sense and which ones should be ripped to shreds. When is it OK to not give a flying fuck about the rules?

Only someone as charismatic as Neal could pull off wearing that hat. And doing hat tricks. I mean - seriously? I do have a hat. Maybe I'll try to copy that. Maybe it will bring me closer to the wild side?

In society, rules are nothing more than the guidelines that keep things working. I go to work in the morning. I pay my rent. I pay for food. I sleep in the night. I wear appropriate attire. I say the appropriate things in social situations.

I play by the rules.

Some of these rules can be easily broken and with minimal consequences. I could cut of my hair and be bald. I could eat breakfast for dinner. Wear shoes in bed. There’s no limit to the small things I could do.

Look at that suaveness. Those cards are gonna fall on ground and he just doesn't care. Yeah. I can for sure copy that. Ok. Hat and a deck of cards. I'll add that to my bag of tricks that I carry around.

I could refuse to pay rent, but the consequence would be my likely eviction and subsequent homelessness. Not an ideal solution.

I could develop a grey moral compass and be careless with other people’s emotions. But I like my integrity and I’d like to keep it intact.

Actions have consequences and a likelihood of that consequence to materialize itself.

So what rules should I break? What rules should I bend? And what rules should I respect?

I’m still figuring it out.

That hair looks so soft. Maybe that's how he gets away with his cons? He dazzles people by being pretty? I'd like to learn that trick.

What rules shape your life?

Chasing Failure - The only way to actually succeed in life

I've been thinking about the purpose of life and how to achieve your goals. And it's all rooted in the simple idea that we as humans control our own lives.

But maybe I've been coming at this from the wrong angle.


What is life?
Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans. We’ve all heard that quote.

I call bullshit on that.

Life is breathing in and out. It’s something you do without even noticing. You can’t NOT live. It’s simply not possible. You also can’t NOT pay attention to your life. It’s there. You’re in it. There’s no escape. So the idea of life happening somewhere outside of your perception? That’s just madness.

No matter what you do, you will be in your life, and you will live it. And unless you’re in a coma, you’re gonna notice that you’re living it. You might be disappointed or feel inadequate or a thousand other things – but as long as you breathe, you live.

But what about the things you do in your life? The meaning of it all?

Ah yes. Doing something in your life besides breathing is expected from most of us. A shame really. I quite like those days when I do nothing but breathe. But at the same time, those days make me feel horrible as well, because I feel like I’m wasting my potential and my limited time on this planet.

So, we’ve uncovered some more aspects of life: Expectations – from others and from yourself.

Let’s move on to the next key word: Control.


What is control?
Control is to exert force over something or someone to achieve a goal of some sorts.

If we agree that life is simply breathing, what is the goal we’re trying to achieve through the use of this control? Breathing in and out will happen regardless, so clearly that’s not our focus.

Oh no.

We aim to achieve a goal, set by our expectations, in order to achieve a level of satisfaction and accomplishment.

This goal will inherently be meaningless. Because life is short and no matter what you will die. Even the legacy of great people such as the pharaohs of Egypt and the emperors of China has been eroded by time.
Nothing lasts – not even humanity itself.


Letting go
This is turning pretty bleak. I don’t mean to be discouraging. I’m just trying to paint a picture where this idea of needing to be in control is utterly ridiculous, because in the end, it won’t make a difference.

The only thing you can actually control in this life is your breathing. The rest is just illusions of control.

Realize your insignificance in this life that you have. Embrace it. And start carving out the little piece of the world that you want to spend your time breathing in and out in.

I still believe you need to set yourself some goals – something you want to achieve. But don’t attribute the failure or the success in your life to yourself. Instead, embrace the inevitability of failing. Even if you succeed, it will not matter in 100+ years after your death.

So if you are going to spend your life failing at something – what do you want it to be?

It's time for an existential crisis

I’ve never had an existential crisis.

Not really.

I’ve always believed in my core that the world made sense. There was a plan or some sort of glue that would hold it all together. It was just a matter of figuring it out.

The Universe will give me what I need. That used to be my mantra and my way of comforting myself.

I’m shaking my head right now, ashamed by the level of self-centeredness and naiveté needed for such a belief to make sense.

Needless to say, I don’t feel that way anymore.

This is gonna be a not so happy post. So I'll fill it with Jensen Ackles fan art. Because I figure that will offset some of the darkness of this post. Source.

I’ve always loved Coketalk’s way of viewing life: That you should look into the abyss and laugh at it.

This is the first time I’ve ever really looked into the abyss. And I'm not laughing (not yet anyway).

Life isn’t fair. Shit happens. And it doesn’t make sense. There isn’t a pattern of any kind.

The abyss is bleak. And it is savage.

It doesn’t scare me. What’s the point of being scared?

It doesn’t intrigue me. There’s nothing to figure out. Nothing to anticipate. It just fucking is.

And then it isn’t.

The world hasn’t changed. It’s the same as it has always been. But I feel like I’m seeing it for the first time.

It’s not a cruel place – not by any measure. That would entail a sense of intent behind the causes and effects that simply does not exist. Such an intent is merely a projection of my own sense of identity.

There is no meaning. There is no sense. There is no pattern.

Source.

Maybe this is just a phase and I’ll emerge later with a new sense of purpose. But I doubt it.

We’re all just talking animals, inventing complex systems to live in, all to distract us from the fact that we’re going to die.

I’m not sad about it. I’m not happy about it either. I’m just seeing it as a fact. The earth revolves around the sun. The universe is unimaginable big. Gravity keeps my feet planted on the surface of the earth. And there is no point of it all.

I mean, life and all the systems we’ve created within the abyss are still marvelous. Wondrous. Beautiful, even. I can appreciate the beauty of this existence on the brink of madness.

I don’t quite know how to act in this world that I’m seeing now.

With kindness and grace I guess. Because when all else fails, all we have are each other.

And in an instant it can all be over.

I’m trying to avoid jumping to any conclusions. Life might be pointless. But I’m still figuring out if living a life is pointless as well. I’m leaning to a no right now.

Maybe I’ll laugh at the abyss next week. For now I’m just staring contemplatively at it.

I suppose laughter will come. Until it's my turn, please enjoy Jensen's laughter below.

I don't know who made the original gif but I got it from this post (source). If you like a smiling Jensen you should go check it out. It made me feel lots better.

This post was dark. I'm not sorry. I will find my way back to the light. Ask me tomorrow how that's going.

Advice for when you are lost in life

It’s been a while. Sorry. Life just always seems to get in the way of actually posting my thoughts here. Plus I think to myself, who evens cares?

But whatever. So I’ll talk into a void. I’ll rant. I’ll whisper. On rare occasions I’ll even scream.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking this summer. I’ve been trying to find a purpose now that I’m no longer a student but a ‘real’ and ‘proper’ adult.

And my use of those quote thingies merit the use of this gif:

What can I say, I’m a sucker for socially handicapped angels in trenchcoats.

I’d love to say I’ve found the answers. That I know what the purpose of my life is to be.

I haven’t.

Apparently these things take time.

But I will tell you what I’ve done and maybe you’ll find that helpful too.

Listen to yourself

That little voice in your head that keeps blabbering on about how tired you are, and how life would be better if you were better, and how you haven’t gotten far at all?

You need to pay attention to it.

I know it’s a lot more comfortable to just sit on the internet and browse or to lean back and watch Netflix. I don’t want to seem like a saint here. In the past month I’ve seen the entire series of Breakout Kings (it’s not even that good – I just couldn’t stop), the first season of Modern Family (this is actually really good though), countless movies (mostly romantic comedies or action movies I’ve seen before and love), and then an assortment of episodes of series I started but didn’t have the attention span to finish (this include shows I know are great but just didn’t struck a chord – The Wire and Orange is the New Black).

(geees - I watch a lot of shows)

Anyway.

You can’t ignore that voice forever. You might as well just pay attention to it and listen to what it has to say.

Be kind to yourself

This is an important one. Because that voice in your head? If it’s anything like the voice in my head, then it’s a fucking manipulative bitch. My voice is always disappointed in me, and nothing I do is ever good enough. It’s actually horrible to be in my head sometimes.

And that is why you have to be kind to yourself.

I like to do a simple test to see if what I’m filling my head with lives up to the criteria of being kind to myself: The things that are going through my head – would I talk like that to any of my friends?

Usually the answer is no, and then I know that I’m being too hard on myself.

Maybe the voices in your head are nice. My aren’t. Allow me to demonstrate:

“Oh god, so you’re writing another blogpost – what exactly are you hoping to achieve? Like anybody will read it. Or worse – someone you know will read it and fucking ridicule you. Or pity you. Because you are pathetic. Why even try to give advice? You don’t even know. So why are you acting like you got your shit together? Wouldn’t it be more productive to go home and vacuum? Which you btw haven’t done for like 3 weeks.”

And so it goes. Relentlessly. Constantly.

I would never talk to a friend like that. I would never allow any of my friends to talk to me in that manner either. It’s counterproductive and just plain mean.

And so, whenever I become conscious of my thoughts turning negative, I remind myself that it’s not ok to talk to myself like that. It’s not that I start to argue about the validity of the claims of my thoughts. They may very well be true (they certainly feel like they are sometimes). But regardless – I don’t have to listen to assholes talking to me. Even when that asshole is me.

So I stop . Take a deep breath. And tell myself to be kind to myself.

Now, being kind to oneself is not a free pass to do whatever you please. You still need to not watch Netflix all the time. You still need to get up early and get to work. You still can’t eat icecream for dinner (aaaahh who am I kidding – you can always eat icecream for dinner).

You still need to do all the boring adult stuff that comes with having adult responsibilities.

You just have to be kind to yourself while doing it.

Don’t be too hard on yourself when you fail. Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and try again (and these lines are why this song [happy as is it] sometimes brings me to tears).

Talk until you’re blue in the face

What also helps me to squash my evil inner monologue of dreadful things is to voice these stupid thoughts to other people. Sometimes your inner voice will be very persistent in claiming certain things as truth. Sometimes it will even sound reasonable. Maybe it’s telling you that you’re underachieving because now that you’ve got a full time job, you’re not pursuing your other interests. I voiced this thought to my sister and she thought I was being too hard on myself. I’ve got a 50-60 hour work week. It’s a demanding job. And I do still pursue other interests, she pointed out. I am doing regular exercise (3-4 times a week) in order to get in shape for a race I signed up for. I am seeing my friends. My family. Heck I even read a book for fun once in a while.

So this thing that my inner voice told me that at the time seemed to be the truth, turned out not to be.

Sometimes you have to talk to other people about what you think. And then listen to how they respond.

Which brings me to the next point.

Listen to others

Listen to what people tell you. Don’t necessarily treat their version of reality as the correct one, but at least hear them out.

But more than that – try to ask them the question you yourself are wrestling with and learn how they dealt with them.

You can do this with all sorts of people – it doesn’t have to be your closest friends.

I’ve talked a lot with my sister about these feelings of inadequacies I’ve had. Just voicing them out loud made most of them appear silly.

I’ve talked to my friends of about feeling lost in life ever since I graduated. I asked them about whether they ever felt the same and how they dealt with it. And I found that most of them are still dealing with it. Every day. Trying to figure out their own purpose. And even though they didn’t have any answers it helped me. Just knowing I wasn’t alone is a comfort.

I’ve talked to colleagues about making ends meet and still finding time for other activities in life than work. They struggle as well. What seems to be working for them is to compartmentalize their life. It’s a skill I haven’t learned yet and to be honest I don’t know if I want to.

Don’t give up

This is where I’m at now. I’ve listened. I’m being kind. I’ve talked. And I’ve listened some more. I still haven’t figured out what my purpose is. But at least right now, I feel like I’m growing.

I don’t know what else to tell you.

So just, keep on rocking on. And let me know in the comments if you have any other tips for how to get 'unlost'.

On a final note - Alice in Wonderland is just filled with wonderful quotes. The dialogue between Alice and the Cheshire Cat below helped me through some rough patches.

If you don't know where you're going, any road will get you there. And there's some strange comfort in that.

So keep walking on the road of life. Keep on being kind to yourself and to others. And keep on listening and looking at the world in wonder until you find a road you like more than the one you are on.