Advice for when you are lost in life

It’s been a while. Sorry. Life just always seems to get in the way of actually posting my thoughts here. Plus I think to myself, who evens cares?

But whatever. So I’ll talk into a void. I’ll rant. I’ll whisper. On rare occasions I’ll even scream.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking this summer. I’ve been trying to find a purpose now that I’m no longer a student but a ‘real’ and ‘proper’ adult.

And my use of those quote thingies merit the use of this gif:

What can I say, I’m a sucker for socially handicapped angels in trenchcoats.

I’d love to say I’ve found the answers. That I know what the purpose of my life is to be.

I haven’t.

Apparently these things take time.

But I will tell you what I’ve done and maybe you’ll find that helpful too.

Listen to yourself

That little voice in your head that keeps blabbering on about how tired you are, and how life would be better if you were better, and how you haven’t gotten far at all?

You need to pay attention to it.

I know it’s a lot more comfortable to just sit on the internet and browse or to lean back and watch Netflix. I don’t want to seem like a saint here. In the past month I’ve seen the entire series of Breakout Kings (it’s not even that good – I just couldn’t stop), the first season of Modern Family (this is actually really good though), countless movies (mostly romantic comedies or action movies I’ve seen before and love), and then an assortment of episodes of series I started but didn’t have the attention span to finish (this include shows I know are great but just didn’t struck a chord – The Wire and Orange is the New Black).

(geees - I watch a lot of shows)

Anyway.

You can’t ignore that voice forever. You might as well just pay attention to it and listen to what it has to say.

Be kind to yourself

This is an important one. Because that voice in your head? If it’s anything like the voice in my head, then it’s a fucking manipulative bitch. My voice is always disappointed in me, and nothing I do is ever good enough. It’s actually horrible to be in my head sometimes.

And that is why you have to be kind to yourself.

I like to do a simple test to see if what I’m filling my head with lives up to the criteria of being kind to myself: The things that are going through my head – would I talk like that to any of my friends?

Usually the answer is no, and then I know that I’m being too hard on myself.

Maybe the voices in your head are nice. My aren’t. Allow me to demonstrate:

“Oh god, so you’re writing another blogpost – what exactly are you hoping to achieve? Like anybody will read it. Or worse – someone you know will read it and fucking ridicule you. Or pity you. Because you are pathetic. Why even try to give advice? You don’t even know. So why are you acting like you got your shit together? Wouldn’t it be more productive to go home and vacuum? Which you btw haven’t done for like 3 weeks.”

And so it goes. Relentlessly. Constantly.

I would never talk to a friend like that. I would never allow any of my friends to talk to me in that manner either. It’s counterproductive and just plain mean.

And so, whenever I become conscious of my thoughts turning negative, I remind myself that it’s not ok to talk to myself like that. It’s not that I start to argue about the validity of the claims of my thoughts. They may very well be true (they certainly feel like they are sometimes). But regardless – I don’t have to listen to assholes talking to me. Even when that asshole is me.

So I stop . Take a deep breath. And tell myself to be kind to myself.

Now, being kind to oneself is not a free pass to do whatever you please. You still need to not watch Netflix all the time. You still need to get up early and get to work. You still can’t eat icecream for dinner (aaaahh who am I kidding – you can always eat icecream for dinner).

You still need to do all the boring adult stuff that comes with having adult responsibilities.

You just have to be kind to yourself while doing it.

Don’t be too hard on yourself when you fail. Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and try again (and these lines are why this song [happy as is it] sometimes brings me to tears).

Talk until you’re blue in the face

What also helps me to squash my evil inner monologue of dreadful things is to voice these stupid thoughts to other people. Sometimes your inner voice will be very persistent in claiming certain things as truth. Sometimes it will even sound reasonable. Maybe it’s telling you that you’re underachieving because now that you’ve got a full time job, you’re not pursuing your other interests. I voiced this thought to my sister and she thought I was being too hard on myself. I’ve got a 50-60 hour work week. It’s a demanding job. And I do still pursue other interests, she pointed out. I am doing regular exercise (3-4 times a week) in order to get in shape for a race I signed up for. I am seeing my friends. My family. Heck I even read a book for fun once in a while.

So this thing that my inner voice told me that at the time seemed to be the truth, turned out not to be.

Sometimes you have to talk to other people about what you think. And then listen to how they respond.

Which brings me to the next point.

Listen to others

Listen to what people tell you. Don’t necessarily treat their version of reality as the correct one, but at least hear them out.

But more than that – try to ask them the question you yourself are wrestling with and learn how they dealt with them.

You can do this with all sorts of people – it doesn’t have to be your closest friends.

I’ve talked a lot with my sister about these feelings of inadequacies I’ve had. Just voicing them out loud made most of them appear silly.

I’ve talked to my friends of about feeling lost in life ever since I graduated. I asked them about whether they ever felt the same and how they dealt with it. And I found that most of them are still dealing with it. Every day. Trying to figure out their own purpose. And even though they didn’t have any answers it helped me. Just knowing I wasn’t alone is a comfort.

I’ve talked to colleagues about making ends meet and still finding time for other activities in life than work. They struggle as well. What seems to be working for them is to compartmentalize their life. It’s a skill I haven’t learned yet and to be honest I don’t know if I want to.

Don’t give up

This is where I’m at now. I’ve listened. I’m being kind. I’ve talked. And I’ve listened some more. I still haven’t figured out what my purpose is. But at least right now, I feel like I’m growing.

I don’t know what else to tell you.

So just, keep on rocking on. And let me know in the comments if you have any other tips for how to get 'unlost'.

On a final note - Alice in Wonderland is just filled with wonderful quotes. The dialogue between Alice and the Cheshire Cat below helped me through some rough patches.

If you don't know where you're going, any road will get you there. And there's some strange comfort in that.

So keep walking on the road of life. Keep on being kind to yourself and to others. And keep on listening and looking at the world in wonder until you find a road you like more than the one you are on.