On Nothing, Apparently.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted on this blog. Part of it is because I’ve been busy with work. But it’s also because I’ve been going in circles in my head about this existential crisis that I’m in.

I still don’t have an answer. I’m not used to problems I can’t solve.

I’ve been trying to figure out how to describe this paradox that I’m experiencing.

What’s happening is that I know that life is unfair and meaningless. Life is random and will end up hurting me.

But despite this, I still choose to get up in the morning. I go to work. I make things happen at work. I see my family and friends and help them when I can. I keep on keeping on, and I don’t understand why.

Life is finite. It will end. Why am I not trying to get more out of it?

I should quit my job, I should chase my dreams, I should do everything in my power to get as much living into this one life that I have.

But I don’t. I just continue living my humdrum life.

This is a paradox I can’t wrap my head around.

If life is meaningless, why do I still follow the rules as prescribed by society? Why do I conform to what’s expected of me?

I’m thinking about this and dismissing any answers just as fast as they appear.

It’s not because I’m afraid. I decided long ago never to let fear rule my life (and as a consequence have done lots of amazing things).

It’s not because I’m lazy. I have the ability to achieve what I set my mind to. I’m simply too stubborn to give up and I’m not afraid of hard work. I actually quite like working hard towards a goal. It gives me a sense of accomplishment.

It’s not because I don’t know what to do. I could start writing more. I could start travelling more. Seeing more friends. Living more. The possibilities are endless.

It’s not because I’m exhausted. I have energy. I do things.

So what’s holding me back?

Nothing. Apparently.

What I like about: Arrow

I’m sitting at a newly opened Starbucks and sipping my chai. Starbucks makes the best chai.

It’s the fourth Starbucks to open in Copenhagen. I’ve of course been to all four. But for some reason this one feels more American than the others.

I bounce between being sad, being happy, being stressed, being indifferent. Is that how life is now?

To be honest, that’s how life has been for a while.

I don’t want to talk about my head anymore. It doesn’t change, anyway.

Instead, let me tell you about my current TV-obsession.

The show I look the most forward to each week is Arrow.

For those of you who don’t know it, is a superhero TV-show placed in the DC universe (so no links to all the Marvel stuff).

The main character (and titular hero) is Oliver Queen, millionaire young man turned vigilante after being shipwrecked (among other things). He was assumed dead for 5 years, before he returned with a mission ‘to save his city’.

The story of each episode consist of a storyline taking place in present day, and then a storyline taking place 5 years prior, explaining the experiences of the shipwrecked Oliver Queen and his transformation into a vigilante.

When I first started watching the show I didn’t particular like it. I thought the actor playing Oliver Queen was wooden, and fake, and I couldn’t understand his need to constantly lie to the people he loved – his family and friends. Why not just say ‘Yes! I’m a Vigilante! Support me!’ Even when directly confronted he refused.

His sister, Thea Queen, desperately tries to break through to him, but he insists on keeping his secret.

Back when I first saw season one I was annoyed at this act of martyrdom.

But I get it. He came back from a Hell he didn’t think he would survive. And the Oliver Queen that first disappeared? He never made it off the island. Oliver Queen came back broken. And to protect his family he shut them out, afraid that his darkness would consume them.

I’m trying to avoid spoilers, for any of you still considering watching the show. I highly recommend it. But suffice to say that Oliver Queen as a character does eventually grow. He does connect with people and let them see who he has become. And I guess in the process learns that he’s still Oliver Queen.

We’re in season 4 now and a lot of his darkness has been transformed into – I wouldn’t say hope, but maybe self-acceptance? That and healthy relations with people who know him.

For me, the central relationship on this show is between Oliver and Thea Queen. Brother and sister. Bound together by blood. Both having to let go of their notions of who the other should be, and instead accept the person in front of them now.

An alarmingly high number of people who know him end up dead, though. A character in the latest episode said the following: “How many people can Oliver Queen lose before there is no Oliver Queen?”

That line still sits in my head, bouncing back and forth.

And that’s another reason why I love this show. It’s not afraid to get dark and gritty. It’s not afraid to show the suffering that death brings. How it ripples through every relation the dead person had, and creates different reactions.

I re-watched parts of season 1 the other weekend and it was so weird to see all these people being alive and well (or maybe not well – but at least alive). And seeing Oliver being as damaged as he was. He was completely devoid of mercy back then.

It was this contrast between season 1 and season 4 that really showed me the journey of that character.

And that’s one of the most important things of any show for me. I need character growth. I need to be able to see how the character adapts to his or her situation. What works for them. What doesn’t. And how their choices and actions change the person they are.

Oliver Queen had to learn to let go of his rulebook and his black/white view of the world. He had to let other people in and let them help him. He had to learn to trust other people. And to hope. Hope for a better world.

So yeah. A PTSD suffering vigilante is my source of inspiration in terms of dealing with my life.

Let’s not dwell too long on that.

Looking at the Rulebook

I want to break a few rules. I want to raise a little hell. I want to see what happens when you take a walk on the wild side.

This post will be brought to you by Neal Caffrey (as portrayed by Matt Bomer) because he has that suave touch that I want in my life.

The thing is though I don’t have anyone to show me the ropes. None of my friends really walk on that wild side.

I’ve spent my life following the rules. I quite like the security of it all – the soothing repetition of my habitual life and the calm serenity that comes from knowing what the day will bring.

I've watched the first three seasons of White Collar. I enjoyed them. Good fun. Nice suits. I even like the hat. I've chosen Neal to be my guide into the 'wild side'. 

Obviously I’m not looking to become a criminal mastermind. I’m thinking baby-steps. But what should those baby-steps consist of?

As I evaluate the rules that surround me I feel overwhelmed. It’s hard figuring out which ones make sense and which ones should be ripped to shreds. When is it OK to not give a flying fuck about the rules?

Only someone as charismatic as Neal could pull off wearing that hat. And doing hat tricks. I mean - seriously? I do have a hat. Maybe I'll try to copy that. Maybe it will bring me closer to the wild side?

In society, rules are nothing more than the guidelines that keep things working. I go to work in the morning. I pay my rent. I pay for food. I sleep in the night. I wear appropriate attire. I say the appropriate things in social situations.

I play by the rules.

Some of these rules can be easily broken and with minimal consequences. I could cut of my hair and be bald. I could eat breakfast for dinner. Wear shoes in bed. There’s no limit to the small things I could do.

Look at that suaveness. Those cards are gonna fall on ground and he just doesn't care. Yeah. I can for sure copy that. Ok. Hat and a deck of cards. I'll add that to my bag of tricks that I carry around.

I could refuse to pay rent, but the consequence would be my likely eviction and subsequent homelessness. Not an ideal solution.

I could develop a grey moral compass and be careless with other people’s emotions. But I like my integrity and I’d like to keep it intact.

Actions have consequences and a likelihood of that consequence to materialize itself.

So what rules should I break? What rules should I bend? And what rules should I respect?

I’m still figuring it out.

That hair looks so soft. Maybe that's how he gets away with his cons? He dazzles people by being pretty? I'd like to learn that trick.

What rules shape your life?