Messy McMessy

I recently visited a friend, who was in town and staying at somebody else's place.

This place was like something out of a magazine in terms of its chic decor. Even though it was in the middle of Copenhagen it was spacious and artsy and filled with curiosity items. Not enough to make it seem like a lost&found but just enough to make it quirky and charming.

Right now I'm sitting on my bed, looking at the laptop-screen, thankful I can't see my room.

If I were to look beyond my computer I wouldn't be able to see the floor. It's covered in stuff,

And not cute stuff. No. Just layers and layers of STUFF.

It's a complete mess.

I have so many things that I don't even know where to put them.

I'm not the kind of person who collects random shit. But because of my mom's passing, there's been an increase of stuff - clothes mostly. And no where to put it.

I would love to live in a place that was spacious. That had room for cute, artsy things.

The things you own definitely end up owning you, and right now I'm feeling lost.

The good news? There's a way out of this mess.

The bad news? It requires hard work and lots of boxes.

I've ordered the boxes from Ikea, so I guess what's left now is the hard work,

What I like about: Arrow

I’m sitting at a newly opened Starbucks and sipping my chai. Starbucks makes the best chai.

It’s the fourth Starbucks to open in Copenhagen. I’ve of course been to all four. But for some reason this one feels more American than the others.

I bounce between being sad, being happy, being stressed, being indifferent. Is that how life is now?

To be honest, that’s how life has been for a while.

I don’t want to talk about my head anymore. It doesn’t change, anyway.

Instead, let me tell you about my current TV-obsession.

The show I look the most forward to each week is Arrow.

For those of you who don’t know it, is a superhero TV-show placed in the DC universe (so no links to all the Marvel stuff).

The main character (and titular hero) is Oliver Queen, millionaire young man turned vigilante after being shipwrecked (among other things). He was assumed dead for 5 years, before he returned with a mission ‘to save his city’.

The story of each episode consist of a storyline taking place in present day, and then a storyline taking place 5 years prior, explaining the experiences of the shipwrecked Oliver Queen and his transformation into a vigilante.

When I first started watching the show I didn’t particular like it. I thought the actor playing Oliver Queen was wooden, and fake, and I couldn’t understand his need to constantly lie to the people he loved – his family and friends. Why not just say ‘Yes! I’m a Vigilante! Support me!’ Even when directly confronted he refused.

His sister, Thea Queen, desperately tries to break through to him, but he insists on keeping his secret.

Back when I first saw season one I was annoyed at this act of martyrdom.

But I get it. He came back from a Hell he didn’t think he would survive. And the Oliver Queen that first disappeared? He never made it off the island. Oliver Queen came back broken. And to protect his family he shut them out, afraid that his darkness would consume them.

I’m trying to avoid spoilers, for any of you still considering watching the show. I highly recommend it. But suffice to say that Oliver Queen as a character does eventually grow. He does connect with people and let them see who he has become. And I guess in the process learns that he’s still Oliver Queen.

We’re in season 4 now and a lot of his darkness has been transformed into – I wouldn’t say hope, but maybe self-acceptance? That and healthy relations with people who know him.

For me, the central relationship on this show is between Oliver and Thea Queen. Brother and sister. Bound together by blood. Both having to let go of their notions of who the other should be, and instead accept the person in front of them now.

An alarmingly high number of people who know him end up dead, though. A character in the latest episode said the following: “How many people can Oliver Queen lose before there is no Oliver Queen?”

That line still sits in my head, bouncing back and forth.

And that’s another reason why I love this show. It’s not afraid to get dark and gritty. It’s not afraid to show the suffering that death brings. How it ripples through every relation the dead person had, and creates different reactions.

I re-watched parts of season 1 the other weekend and it was so weird to see all these people being alive and well (or maybe not well – but at least alive). And seeing Oliver being as damaged as he was. He was completely devoid of mercy back then.

It was this contrast between season 1 and season 4 that really showed me the journey of that character.

And that’s one of the most important things of any show for me. I need character growth. I need to be able to see how the character adapts to his or her situation. What works for them. What doesn’t. And how their choices and actions change the person they are.

Oliver Queen had to learn to let go of his rulebook and his black/white view of the world. He had to let other people in and let them help him. He had to learn to trust other people. And to hope. Hope for a better world.

So yeah. A PTSD suffering vigilante is my source of inspiration in terms of dealing with my life.

Let’s not dwell too long on that.

Chasing Failure - The only way to actually succeed in life

I've been thinking about the purpose of life and how to achieve your goals. And it's all rooted in the simple idea that we as humans control our own lives.

But maybe I've been coming at this from the wrong angle.


What is life?
Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans. We’ve all heard that quote.

I call bullshit on that.

Life is breathing in and out. It’s something you do without even noticing. You can’t NOT live. It’s simply not possible. You also can’t NOT pay attention to your life. It’s there. You’re in it. There’s no escape. So the idea of life happening somewhere outside of your perception? That’s just madness.

No matter what you do, you will be in your life, and you will live it. And unless you’re in a coma, you’re gonna notice that you’re living it. You might be disappointed or feel inadequate or a thousand other things – but as long as you breathe, you live.

But what about the things you do in your life? The meaning of it all?

Ah yes. Doing something in your life besides breathing is expected from most of us. A shame really. I quite like those days when I do nothing but breathe. But at the same time, those days make me feel horrible as well, because I feel like I’m wasting my potential and my limited time on this planet.

So, we’ve uncovered some more aspects of life: Expectations – from others and from yourself.

Let’s move on to the next key word: Control.


What is control?
Control is to exert force over something or someone to achieve a goal of some sorts.

If we agree that life is simply breathing, what is the goal we’re trying to achieve through the use of this control? Breathing in and out will happen regardless, so clearly that’s not our focus.

Oh no.

We aim to achieve a goal, set by our expectations, in order to achieve a level of satisfaction and accomplishment.

This goal will inherently be meaningless. Because life is short and no matter what you will die. Even the legacy of great people such as the pharaohs of Egypt and the emperors of China has been eroded by time.
Nothing lasts – not even humanity itself.


Letting go
This is turning pretty bleak. I don’t mean to be discouraging. I’m just trying to paint a picture where this idea of needing to be in control is utterly ridiculous, because in the end, it won’t make a difference.

The only thing you can actually control in this life is your breathing. The rest is just illusions of control.

Realize your insignificance in this life that you have. Embrace it. And start carving out the little piece of the world that you want to spend your time breathing in and out in.

I still believe you need to set yourself some goals – something you want to achieve. But don’t attribute the failure or the success in your life to yourself. Instead, embrace the inevitability of failing. Even if you succeed, it will not matter in 100+ years after your death.

So if you are going to spend your life failing at something – what do you want it to be?

What lie do you want to live?

I watched Sabrina the other night. It’s was the 1995 version with Harrison Ford. The old one with Humphrey Bogart and Audrey Hepburn is much better, but sometimes you deliberately do things that might seem out of character (like watching a remake when you know the original is way better) just to see what happens.

The movie is so unremarkable that it was hard finding a picture that captured the essence of the plot.So I settled for this because of the bikes. I love bikes.

I’ve been watching a lot of romantic films lately. I don’t know what that tells you about me. I think maybe I’m looking for answers. What the question is I’m not quite sure though. I think I’m searching for that too.

Even though this version of Sabrina is pretty forgettable, one part of it stuck with me.

It was when Linus Larrabee (played by Harrison Ford) confesses his true love for Sabrina (played by Julia Ormond). He explains that his love for her started as a lie, which grew into a dream, and now he was standing there hoping against hope for the dream to turn into reality.

I remember when I was a kid and people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I would tell them all sorts of things. I tried to be consistent, but to be honest I had no clue what I wanted to be.

I quickly learned that wasn’t an appropriate answer.

So I started to get creative.

I told them I wanted to become an archaeologist (after having watched Indiana Jones). I told them I wanted to become a writer (I love books). I told them I wanted to become a journalist (the more respectable version of a writer). I told them I wanted to become a lawyer (I blame Ally McBeal).

Now at the time I didn’t think of these stories as lies. But looking back I see that they were.

As we get older we’re told to be reasonable. To only take calculated risks. To not live with our heads in the clouds anymore. And I guess we’re told these things with the best of intentions. But why aren’t we allowed to be dreamers anymore?

It happened gradually, but the result was not to be mistaken: Playing pretend – or lying – became something you weren’t supposed to do anymore.

As an adult it’s expected that you have it all figured out – or at least pretend that you do. Somehow that lie is still accepted.

I don’t know what I want my life to become. I don’t know what I want to achieve. But maybe I can start with just telling myself a few lies. Just to see how they match the color of my eyes. And maybe one of these lies will stand out. I’ll think about it more than the others, imagining it in more and more details. Until it’s no longer a lie, but a dream – a goal.

Sometimes it’s necessary to deliberately tell yourself something that you know is not true, just to see how it fits. How else do you grow?

I don’t know if that’s how you’re supposed to do it.

I don’t even know who the lie is for – the one you’re telling it to? Or yourself? I suspect the latter.

So ok.

For the next week I will live a lie. Why not?

It shouldn’t feel too different from what I’m doing now.

If you could play pretend and live a lie - what would your lie be?