It's time for an existential crisis

I’ve never had an existential crisis.

Not really.

I’ve always believed in my core that the world made sense. There was a plan or some sort of glue that would hold it all together. It was just a matter of figuring it out.

The Universe will give me what I need. That used to be my mantra and my way of comforting myself.

I’m shaking my head right now, ashamed by the level of self-centeredness and naiveté needed for such a belief to make sense.

Needless to say, I don’t feel that way anymore.

This is gonna be a not so happy post. So I'll fill it with Jensen Ackles fan art. Because I figure that will offset some of the darkness of this post. Source.

I’ve always loved Coketalk’s way of viewing life: That you should look into the abyss and laugh at it.

This is the first time I’ve ever really looked into the abyss. And I'm not laughing (not yet anyway).

Life isn’t fair. Shit happens. And it doesn’t make sense. There isn’t a pattern of any kind.

The abyss is bleak. And it is savage.

It doesn’t scare me. What’s the point of being scared?

It doesn’t intrigue me. There’s nothing to figure out. Nothing to anticipate. It just fucking is.

And then it isn’t.

The world hasn’t changed. It’s the same as it has always been. But I feel like I’m seeing it for the first time.

It’s not a cruel place – not by any measure. That would entail a sense of intent behind the causes and effects that simply does not exist. Such an intent is merely a projection of my own sense of identity.

There is no meaning. There is no sense. There is no pattern.

Source.

Maybe this is just a phase and I’ll emerge later with a new sense of purpose. But I doubt it.

We’re all just talking animals, inventing complex systems to live in, all to distract us from the fact that we’re going to die.

I’m not sad about it. I’m not happy about it either. I’m just seeing it as a fact. The earth revolves around the sun. The universe is unimaginable big. Gravity keeps my feet planted on the surface of the earth. And there is no point of it all.

I mean, life and all the systems we’ve created within the abyss are still marvelous. Wondrous. Beautiful, even. I can appreciate the beauty of this existence on the brink of madness.

I don’t quite know how to act in this world that I’m seeing now.

With kindness and grace I guess. Because when all else fails, all we have are each other.

And in an instant it can all be over.

I’m trying to avoid jumping to any conclusions. Life might be pointless. But I’m still figuring out if living a life is pointless as well. I’m leaning to a no right now.

Maybe I’ll laugh at the abyss next week. For now I’m just staring contemplatively at it.

I suppose laughter will come. Until it's my turn, please enjoy Jensen's laughter below.

I don't know who made the original gif but I got it from this post (source). If you like a smiling Jensen you should go check it out. It made me feel lots better.

This post was dark. I'm not sorry. I will find my way back to the light. Ask me tomorrow how that's going.

Failing the Bechdel Test

I’m sitting at my local coffee shop.

Next to me are two young women. Not particularly pretty, but not unattractive either. And all they are talking about are boyfriends and how they used to have them and how they don’t anymore and how they feel comfortable where they are. If their life was a movie, it would not pass the Bechdel Test.

One of them noticed that her ex-boyfriend deleted her on facebook over the weekend. Not because she’s stalking him or anything. She just notices stuff like that really quick. Riiiiiight.

And then she goes on to talk about how she would totally go for that guy she met at new year’s eve. But she’s like really enjoying being single and getting to know who she is when she’s on her own.

I’m really eaves dropping aren’t I?

They’ve left now. So now it’s just me and my own thoughts.

This one woman (who did most of the talking) kept on insisting she was happy, but her whole way of thinking and the things she talked about just didn’t match up. If you are happy being single why are you checking your ex’s facebook? Why are you thinking about that guy you met almost 3½ months ago and that ‘you’d totally go for’ if he called? It’s been months – it’s not going to happen. Why are you not present in your own life as it is? Instead you’re caught up in the whole ‘could have – would have – should have.’

Sitting here thinking about it, It sounded like she was trying to convince herself that she was happy.

I pity her.  And I see myself reflected in her. It’s actually pretty uncomfortable to see myself as someone I don’t like.

You can bet that whenever I judge somebody, I judge myself by the same standards.

I don’t quite know what to do about it.

I could try to be more positive, but that would just be the equivalent of me trying to convince you guys that I’m totally fine and a-okay as a way to convince myself. But I’m not happy about my life right now. And trying to pretend won’t be enough.

Fuck it.

I’m going to work some more on my excel spreadsheet of wonder and rainbow colors and figure out what to do some other day. It’ll be a problem for Cat from the Future. She’s much smarter than me anyways. She’ll know what to do for sure.