No answers here this time

I’ve been having a hard time, lately. Harder than usual.

I lost my mom last week. I’ve written some unfiltered posts about it on my tumblr. You can see them in chronological order here: day 0, day 3, day 7, day 8, and day 9.

That last one I wrote a few hours ago and almost posted to this blog. But I didn’t. Because it reflects a view of reality that I don’t really like. It might very well be how I feel right now, but it’s not how I want to see the world.

I don’t want to be hopeless.

But I’m afraid I am right now.

My world has been shaken to its core and I’m still trying to figure out how this new world works.

It’s clear that fairness doesn’t matter. Neither does individual will or hard work. Destiny or a higher power is a load of bull-crap too.

Doing the best you can, will not get you what you want. The world – at its core – does not care about you.

We are all going to die. It's just a matter of when.

I know there is freedom somewhere in this realization too. Freedom to let go. Freedom to spend your time however you please. Freedom to not care about trivial shit. And freedom to find joy in the simple things.

But I’m not there yet.

Instead I’m sitting at the edge of a black hole, wondering what the point of it all is.

If I ever figure it out I’ll let you know.

Thoughts You Have As a Newly Minted Fulltime Adult (Riiight?)

I can’t seem to focus on anything.

I don’t even know how I’m feeling. I can’t sense my thoughts.

And the above doesn’t really make any sense. I know damn well how I’m feeling. I just can’t seem to connect these feelings with any sort of cohesive thought.

So for now I won’t even try.

I read a book yesterday. I finished it in one setting. It wasn’t even all that good, but I couldn’t be bothered to get up, so I thought, why not?

I don’t know how I feel about the book. It was alright, I guess. The main character was tired of being manipulated by everyone and had a general distrust of everyone. Parents – they fuck you up. But apart from that she was still a decent human being, believing in the goodness of others, even though it seemed she didn’t feel like she deserved any kindness herself.

After I finished the book I saw the newest episode of Orphan Black which was awesome as always. I t was a quiet episode where nothing much happened plotwise, but you got a sense of how the pieces were being moved across the board to create a set up for something bigger.

I feel like my life is on hold. No one is moving the pieces of my life around. No one is setting the stage for greater things to come.

Anyway. After watching Orphan Black, I got caught up on Game of Thrones. Got to watch four episodes in a row and that’s always fun times. People were betrayed. Some died. Some had sex. No graphic nudity though.

And after that I watched Iron Man. I really just love watching RDJ as Tony Stark. It seems like it was the character he was born to play.

After that I tried to read some more, but seeing as it was past 3 AM, and the book I was reading was boring as fuck, I just decided to say fuck it and go to sleep.

I just feel discontent. Which is bullshit because I have it all, but that doesn’t seem to make a difference to my brain.

I’m not being very kind to myself.

It always feels like I only have two settings: Full warp-speed ahead and fuck I’m a slug.

It worked alright when I was in school, because I always had so much shit to do so I never really fell into the slug state for long. I had a stuff to do to pull me out of my vegetative state.

But I don’t anymore. I have a wonderful job and an apartment and friends. But I suck at actually calling friends. Whenever I get a chance to be alone I grab it and cherish it. I rarely write people asking them to hang out. I just don’t do it. I don’t know why though.

I don’t feel at ease. I feel like I should be more.

I think it’s probably natural to feel this way? I mean, I’ve had this thing call school fill my every waking moment for the last 2½ years. Now that I don’t have that I feel empty.

I knew on some level I’d feel this way too. I guess I just didn’t know I’d feel it for this long?

I somehow always expect myself to be less affected by shit that happens. I’m always impatient. Always expecting myself to be able to absorb the changes quicker.

I don’t feel like I’m not a student anymore. I’m still just as lost. Still just stumbling through life. Still have a horrible haircut.

But I don’t get to call myself a student anymore.

And while I’ve celebrated my passing into the full-time working life, I don’t think I’ve actually mourned the death of one of my most cherished identities; I’m no longer a student at ITU. I don’t get to be that girl anymore.

Instead I get to be the woman who landed the job in one of the best companies in Denmark.

But where the fuck do I go from here?

I’ve never been good at planning ahead. I like goals. Every goal I have ever set, I have achieved.

But how does one excel at being a working woman? What is the next logical step here? Where the fuck am I headed?

I’ve been trying to not think about this too much. I’ve been telling myself that it’s the journey and not the destination that matters. But if I don’t even have an idea of what the destination is, how am I supposed to get up every morning and enjoy the journey?

This past month I’ve been drifting. And to drift for one month is not that bad. I’ve been doing my duties at my job, but if I’m being perfectly honest, I haven’t given it all I got. I’ve done what I had to, to scrape by unnoticed, but not much more. And that’s not good enough. That’s not who I am.

I’m the one who gets the job done. I’m the one you can count on to deliver those reports you need, that slidedeck, that fucking email. I get shit done. And you might not know the extent of my capabilities. You simply know that when I get a task, I get the job done. I don’t ask too many questions, I don’t try to re-organize and control every single detail. I simply present my findings.

My job is not to offer solutions. My job is to find the root causes of the problems and present my findings.

I like that job. It’s a good job.

I don’t feel Im doing a particularly good job of it right now, though.

I miss my past.

I want to go back.

And it’s so freaking unfair that you can’t.

My roommate from the university I went to in the states just texted me a pic from our first shopping trip together. I miss those days. I miss being that girl who attended university in the states and lived with three Norwegians. I miss going on road trips. I miss feeling like I was living a dream.

I’ll be headed back to the states in the fall for a vacation. I need something more to look forward to than just my next vacation. But what?

I don’t know. I don’t know.

I feel less jittery now. More focused. Not more happy. Maybe even on the contrary?

But life isn’t about being happy. It’s about being whole.

Failing the Bechdel Test

I’m sitting at my local coffee shop.

Next to me are two young women. Not particularly pretty, but not unattractive either. And all they are talking about are boyfriends and how they used to have them and how they don’t anymore and how they feel comfortable where they are. If their life was a movie, it would not pass the Bechdel Test.

One of them noticed that her ex-boyfriend deleted her on facebook over the weekend. Not because she’s stalking him or anything. She just notices stuff like that really quick. Riiiiiight.

And then she goes on to talk about how she would totally go for that guy she met at new year’s eve. But she’s like really enjoying being single and getting to know who she is when she’s on her own.

I’m really eaves dropping aren’t I?

They’ve left now. So now it’s just me and my own thoughts.

This one woman (who did most of the talking) kept on insisting she was happy, but her whole way of thinking and the things she talked about just didn’t match up. If you are happy being single why are you checking your ex’s facebook? Why are you thinking about that guy you met almost 3½ months ago and that ‘you’d totally go for’ if he called? It’s been months – it’s not going to happen. Why are you not present in your own life as it is? Instead you’re caught up in the whole ‘could have – would have – should have.’

Sitting here thinking about it, It sounded like she was trying to convince herself that she was happy.

I pity her.  And I see myself reflected in her. It’s actually pretty uncomfortable to see myself as someone I don’t like.

You can bet that whenever I judge somebody, I judge myself by the same standards.

I don’t quite know what to do about it.

I could try to be more positive, but that would just be the equivalent of me trying to convince you guys that I’m totally fine and a-okay as a way to convince myself. But I’m not happy about my life right now. And trying to pretend won’t be enough.

Fuck it.

I’m going to work some more on my excel spreadsheet of wonder and rainbow colors and figure out what to do some other day. It’ll be a problem for Cat from the Future. She’s much smarter than me anyways. She’ll know what to do for sure.