Salt Lake City?

I got offered a position in Salt Lake City. Or rather strongly encouraged to send an application by the manager who’s going to do the hiring.

My first reaction? Absolute glee. I really wanted to do it. I was honored that he would ask me. Delighted that I was given the opportunity. Ecstatic about the prospect of actually doing it – getting a job in the states.

Then the fear and the panic set in. This wasn’t a job offer after all – just an encouragement to send in a resume. What if I wasn’t good enough? What if I didn’t like it? And was Salt Lake City even where I wanted to go? I had always pictured myself to be more of a coastal kindda girl. And Salt Lake City? Capital of the Mormons? I drink. I swear. I’m a mess half of the time I’m awake. What if I went to the other side of the world and there was no one there to catch me when I fall?

Then my planning instinct kicked in. I thought about my apartment in Copenhagen – how was I going to pay off the mortgage? What about the vacation I had planned in October? Would I have to cancel it? And what about my thesis? Would I still have time to work on my master thesis along with all the hassle and stress of relocating to a different country? And what about my family? I’ll admit; part of me likes to have my family on the other side of the world. But I love them too. And I want to be there for them.

All these voices in my head are saying no. It’s clear that it’s a bad idea. The timing is off. Maybe if I wasn’t writing my thesis it would be better. Maybe if it was a coastal city (like NYC of SF) it would be better.

I know that there are a lot of practical reasons as to why taking a position in Salt Lake City is a bad idea right now.

But what I feel is shame.

I feel bad that I’m not jumping on this opportunity. This is something I’ve always wanted – to move to the states with nothing but two big suitcases and a pocket full of dreams. I’ve always wanted to create a life for myself free of the strain of old relations and bad habits. I’ve always wanted to do the things that sound awesome to do.

A friend of mine is relocating permanently to Montreal. She’s flying off into the sunset in about three weeks. And I’m so happy for her. And not at all jealous actually. I know my time in the states will come.

I’m just afraid that I’m letting that opportune moment slip through my fingers because I’m too afraid to reach out and grab it.

Am I being a coward?

Some years ago I made a promise to myself that I would not let fear be the only thing holding me back from doing stuff. I became an expert in asking myself ‘why not’. Why not go out? Why not talk to that guy? Why not go skydiving? Why not study in the states? Why the fuck not live my life as I damn well please? (See? I definitely swear too much..)

It’s been fun.

And I’ve learned to separate what was fear from what were valid concerns. Or so I thought.

The thing is this is the first time I’m considering doing something where it feels like it’s more than fear holding me back. It’s not just me being neurotic and imagining stuff. I’m not just making up excuses. (riiigth?)

Finishing my master thesis is a priority of mine. Being there when my brother gets to be dad for the first time is a priority. Watching that kid grow up? I want to be there for it all. But how can I if I live in the states?

I’m afraid that I’ll lose the people I love.

It’s one thing to go away for 4 months to study abroad. It’s an entirely different thing to leave and never come back.

I don’t know where I’m going with this.

And I still don’t know if I should send that resume or not.