Good is better than perfect*

So. Evidently I survived my first day of school. Yes, there where awkward silences. My main line of defense against those where to ignore them and hope that they would go away on their own.

They did.

Lest this blog becomes too self-centered I’ve include some pictures of the adorable Chris Gorham. Instead of reading about my thoughts and fears you can just look at the pretty pictures. Don’t say I never do anything for you.

I’m still a bit blown away by all the new impressions and people. It’s amazing how many times I’ve told different people today who I am and where I’m from and what I’ve been doing with my life so far and what I see myself doing in 5 years.

It’s been exhausting. But one of them looked at me in awe and said she was impressed by how I knew what I wanted and where I am going.

From someone looking at my life right now, it’s almost scary how much zen everything seems to be. I’ve got the perfect job. I got into the perfect study-program. My life is heading in the perfect direction.

But you know what?

Nothing is perfect.

Except maybe Chris?

If somebody looks at my life and see perfection, they’re not seeing the whole story.

Truth is I’ve spent all of my life being unsure of myself and unfocused and confused. I’ve realized I can’t keep going like that. I’ve got to start to head in one direction. I’m done standing still. I’m going to do something – anything, and then hope that it’s the right thing.

* The title of this blogpost, is from the song The Man of a Thousand Faces by Regina Spektor.

Pouring myself a cup of ambition

I’m nervous.

See, I start school tomorrow. It’s been three years since I studied full-time and last time? It kind of sucked most of the time.

Tomorrow there will a lot of new people, and I’ve never been good with large crowds of new people. I always choke on my words and say the dorkiest things. And what am I supposed to do when the inevitable awkward silence arrive. Should I smile? Escape to the nearest bathroom? Devote endless energy into staring at my fingernails?

Oh dear, I’m getting all flustered just thinking about it.

By the way - yes, IRL I am a total dork.

But that’s not all. I don’t plan on being a C-minus student. I’m an overachiever and like to get good grades, and that means I’ll be working my butt of studying. But the weird part is I’m actually looking forward to the whole ‘studying untill past midnight’-thing (I so wasn’t kidding about being a dork).

I’ve recently also landed a really cool job. I’m now officially the one and only go-to Sharepoint-employer at my firm (and I only just learned about Sharepoint 3 months ago). This new job is exciting and full of  challenges and sometimes very hard.

I love it.

It’s only part-time, but I know myself well enough to know that I’ll be devoting as much time as possible to the projects I’ve got going on at work. I like finishing what I’ve started and creating results. If that means working until dark (sometimes after), then so be it.

But I’m nervous.

What if I don’t live up to my employer’s expectations?

But what’s worse is what if I don’t live up to my own expectations?

Can I pull this off? Can I deliver results at work and get good grades at school?

More importantly, can I do this, and still be able to not just squeeze in some writing time, but actually develop my talents?

I want to say yes. I want to convince myself that of course it’s possible. An annoying, little voice chirps to me: “Nothing is impossible. The word itself says ´I’m possible´” (I’m not sure if I like that little squeaky voice or not – because some things sure as hell are impossible).

But what happens if I push myself too far? If I throw caution to the wind and give myself fully both to my work, my studies and my writing?

Will I stumble and fall?

I‘m thinking definitely yes.

But will I break?

Or will this makes me stronger?

It’s been a long while since I’ve stretched myself this thin.

Writing. Studying. Working.

(plus exercising, sleeping, eating and all those other annoying yet necessary things)

I’ve decided that I can no longer merely take things one step at a time and wait to see what happens.

I’m done with that.

I’m going to push myself. I’m going to see what happens if I don’t stop to catch my breath, but keep on going.

I am going to throw myself at all these things and stumble and tumble my way across the finish line.

Want to join me?

* Inspiration for this attitude towards the challenges I face: A post on the website Generation Meh.

Breaking the rules

The Doctor:

"Good men don't need rules. Today is not the day to find out why I have so many.”

That line above is why I love Doctor Who. Because it really is true. Good men don’t need rules. They simply do what is right.

The Doctor: "Didn't anyone ever tell you? There's one thing you never put in a trap — if you're smart, if you value your continued existence, if you have any plans about seeing tomorrow — there's one thing you never — ever put in a trap. Me."

The Doctor is a character that has an abundance of rules. He is a timelord and as such he can see all that is, all that was, all that could be and all that can never come to pass. He sees the fixed points in time and he sees what is in flux. He has to remind himself time and time again to not play god and alter the fixed points in time. He could. But the rules he has defined for himself doesn’t allow it.

All characters have a set of rules and what I love about writing stories is to push my character to break them.

Forcing my characters to reevaluate their own rules and assumptions about the world, pushing them outside of their comfort-zones, that is incremental to creating a great story.

The Doctor: "The universe is big, it's vast and complicated, and ridiculous. And sometimes, very rarely, impossible things just happen and we call them miracles. And that's the theory. Nine hundred years, never seen one yet, but this would do me."

Find out the one thing you're character would never ever do, and then test their resolve to refrain from breaking their own rules. Some say that rules are meant to be broken. I don't think that is true, but it certainly creates a more interesting story.

Tools for a writer: The Cabinet of Awesome

I read this post today and I had to share.

A cabinet of awesomeness? Yes please, give me one of those.

Maybe it'll look like this? I love the rustic feeling of this cabinet.

Ideas are precious. I don’t think there’s such a thing as a bad idea. Sometimes they’re just not ready to be written or we as writers lack the skill to do the idea justice.

This one has a magical feeling surrounding it. And really, what is more magical than an idea?

But every idea is precious and deserves a place to be kept safe and perhaps even grow into something more.

 

And of course, when I read the words 'Cabinet of Awesomeness' I immediately thought of this little blue box. A more awesome box simply doesn't exist.

I don’t have room for a filing cabinet right now, so for now I’ll manage with the folders on my computer, but someday, I’ll have a cabinet of awesome of my own. You can bet on it.

The ripple effect of awesome

Dear blogreaders? I love you.

I’m kind of addicted to my blog-stats. To see where you all come from is fascinating. To see what brings you to my blog is even more interesting. I know some blogs get hits because of truly bizarre search-terms. That’s not the case for my blog.

Oh no. There are no hits for sparkly merpires or batman eyebrows (my blog is boring in comparison to the wonder that is the blog of talented writer Carrie Harris)

Do you know what brings readers to this little part of the blogosphere? Aaron Paul. It’s crazy how many hits this post I wrote about him has gotten.

But it’s not just me who’s doling out Aaron Paul goodness. Oh no. By looking through the search terms, I discovered that the adorable Aaron Paul has had a part of another legendary part of TV-series history.

He was on Veronica Mars*.

I re-watched the episode he was credited to be in and he was in it for like a total of 3 minutes, but he was there (unfortunately, none of the scenes he was in are on youtube).

This is just further proof that all exceptionally awesome things in life are connected to the wonderful Aaron Paul.

Lesson to learn: Awesome is as awesome does.


*If you don't know what Veronica Mars is,you're in for a treat. It is a really great TV-show that had too short a life-span. You should check it out, you won't be disappointed.

'Suiting up' to face reality

I am an avid watcher of  TV-shows and right now there are so many great shows out there. I’ve recently begun watching ‘Suits’ (a show on the wonderful USA network – seriously, I love that network).

I’m having difficulties explaining to people what exactly it is that I like so much about it. First off, there are now vampires in it. No supernatural beings. No violence.

What it does have is an abundance of great dialogue and witty banter between the characters in the show.

Here’s the trailer:

Don’t be fooled by the setting. ‘Suits’ is so much more than just a guy getting a job as a lawyer.

It’s a about a young man who wasted his potential, but through a stroke of luck get a second chance. It’s about getting what you always wanted, finding that it was harder than you thought, but still sticking it out, because it’s worth it.

Patrick J. Adams, who plays the main-character Mike Ross, explains what drew him to the show:

"The thing that inspired me most about Mike was this idea of getting to a place in your life where you finally have to make the decision to go after what you say you've always wanted."

By the way, this is Patrick. Isn't he just adorable with that cello? No, he doesn't play a cello in 'Suits'. I just really liked the picture.

It’s always interesting to see characters that are faced with choices that mirror those you are experiencing in your own life.

Maybe a bit of setup is necessary? I’d had a rough couple of days before the weekend. Unexpected bills and a sucky day at the job was all it took to bring me down. I needed some confirmation that all my hard work wasn’t wasted. That even though things weren’t going my way career-wise, I wasn’t wasting my time.

‘Suits’ gave that to me.

It’s cheesy, but it gave me just the right combination of distraction and inspiration to get me ready for work Monday morning.

It’s just a TV-show, but it helped me face my own reality. So yeah. Thanks for that, dear creators of 'Suits'.

How to deal with pain a.k.a. the suckiness of life

Short answer: You don’t.

And the long answer? Well, read on…

I saw this vlog by Hank Green and it kindda broke my heart.

The first part is hilarious, but then it turns serious. What do you do when you’re being bullied? How do you deal with life when everything about it sucks?

Hank didn’t know. When he was younger he would cry, he would hate himself and hate his life. He didn’t know how to deal with the pain. He still doesn’t know. To quote him: "You're job is not to deal with it. Your job is to survive it, which you can do because it will end."

I think he’s right. When life truly sucks, you’re not supposed to deal with it. When you’re knee-deep in suck you’re not supposed to somehow grow from the experience. You’re not supposed to learn anything. You’re not supposed to act like a mature human being.

You’re just supposed to survive.

Don’t put additional pressure on yourself to handle whatever suckiness you’re in, in a mature manner. To be nice. To learn from the experience. To behave like a mature adult.

Sad Aaron Paul accompanied by sad cat. It's a double-whammy of sadness.

If you want to lie down on the floor and kick and scream, by all means, do it.

If you need to block out the pain to be able to function, then do that.

If you need to cry, then do that.

If you need to take illegal substances or harm yourself, please reconsider (suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem).

Do whatever you can to get through the day (and those long lonely nights). Just please get through, okay?

You can always deal with the repercussions of the pain later. It’s not like that childhood-trauma is going anywhere (sorry to burst your bubble).

But before you can even begin to deal with your pain, you need to get through it.

So yeah. I don’t know how to deal with pain.

I don’t know what to do when life sucks and your cat just drowned and you just got dumped and they just cancelled your favorite TV-show (I’m looking at you, the TV-network that cancelled Veronica Mars).

I don’t think anybody really knows how to deal with soul-crushing pain. Should you know the answer please enlighten me.

But you’re not supposed to deal with your pain. Not while you’re in it.

You’re just supposed to survive.

And for what it’s worth, it will get better.

See? Aaron is smiling at you. He's  happy again. You will be happy again too. I promise.

(I hear there are talks of a Veronica Mars-movie… hey a girl can dream right?)