Pouring myself a cup of ambition

I’m nervous.

See, I start school tomorrow. It’s been three years since I studied full-time and last time? It kind of sucked most of the time.

Tomorrow there will a lot of new people, and I’ve never been good with large crowds of new people. I always choke on my words and say the dorkiest things. And what am I supposed to do when the inevitable awkward silence arrive. Should I smile? Escape to the nearest bathroom? Devote endless energy into staring at my fingernails?

Oh dear, I’m getting all flustered just thinking about it.

By the way - yes, IRL I am a total dork.

But that’s not all. I don’t plan on being a C-minus student. I’m an overachiever and like to get good grades, and that means I’ll be working my butt of studying. But the weird part is I’m actually looking forward to the whole ‘studying untill past midnight’-thing (I so wasn’t kidding about being a dork).

I’ve recently also landed a really cool job. I’m now officially the one and only go-to Sharepoint-employer at my firm (and I only just learned about Sharepoint 3 months ago). This new job is exciting and full of  challenges and sometimes very hard.

I love it.

It’s only part-time, but I know myself well enough to know that I’ll be devoting as much time as possible to the projects I’ve got going on at work. I like finishing what I’ve started and creating results. If that means working until dark (sometimes after), then so be it.

But I’m nervous.

What if I don’t live up to my employer’s expectations?

But what’s worse is what if I don’t live up to my own expectations?

Can I pull this off? Can I deliver results at work and get good grades at school?

More importantly, can I do this, and still be able to not just squeeze in some writing time, but actually develop my talents?

I want to say yes. I want to convince myself that of course it’s possible. An annoying, little voice chirps to me: “Nothing is impossible. The word itself says ´I’m possible´” (I’m not sure if I like that little squeaky voice or not – because some things sure as hell are impossible).

But what happens if I push myself too far? If I throw caution to the wind and give myself fully both to my work, my studies and my writing?

Will I stumble and fall?

I‘m thinking definitely yes.

But will I break?

Or will this makes me stronger?

It’s been a long while since I’ve stretched myself this thin.

Writing. Studying. Working.

(plus exercising, sleeping, eating and all those other annoying yet necessary things)

I’ve decided that I can no longer merely take things one step at a time and wait to see what happens.

I’m done with that.

I’m going to push myself. I’m going to see what happens if I don’t stop to catch my breath, but keep on going.

I am going to throw myself at all these things and stumble and tumble my way across the finish line.

Want to join me?

* Inspiration for this attitude towards the challenges I face: A post on the website Generation Meh.