It takes a crane ...

... to build a crane. All those tall buildings weren’t just put up over night. It wasn’t easy to build them. It wasn’t even possible to do so, without first creating a support system.

Of course, once the product is finished, you don’t see all the things you had to do to make it possible. You only see the result. You imagine that it must have gone from thought, to idea, to product in straight forward, logical progression.

That’s how stuff gets made, right?

I mean, who’d go through all the trouble of building a crane, to build a crane, to build a building. That just seems silly.

Riiight.

Sometimes, writing a story is like building a crane, to build a crane, to build a piece of story that I'm not even sure is going to be used.

Yes. It’s silly. Sometimes it even seems like a downright waste of time.

But today I’m happy just building my cranes. One crane at a time.

Because it takes two floors to make a story and I really want to build this story. And I happen to like cranes.

It's raining in Copenhagen today

And for some reason this song has kept on popping into my head:



Raindrops falling on my head, but that doesn't mean that I am dead...

Indeed.

Confession

Sometimes I don’t want to write. Sometimes I’d rather do anything else in the world.

There. I said it. And you know what? It’s perfectly okay for me to feel that way. It really is. (yeah, can you tell that I’m not only trying to convince you but myself as well?)

I read blogs. I like them. You can see on my blog-roll that I mostly read blogs by fellow writers. I frequently hop from blog to blog, looking for new like-minded people.

But in reading these blogs, I’ve stumbled across a certain kind of writer that I am ambivalent towards.

I’m talking about the happy(!) writer. The writer who writes because she simply loves it and couldn’t be able to stop, even if she tried. The writer who writes because she needs to. Because there is no other option.

To put it bluntly, something about this kind of writer really irks me. Being an intelligent human being, I know that my dislike is rooted in envy. The way they’re wired makes me feel like I’m inadequate.

I see their happy comments about how they breathe words and fart plot-twist and I think to myself that there must be something wrong with me. Because sometimes? Sometimes I don’t like to write. Sometimes I don’t want to open the word-doc and face another blank page. Sometimes I just want to curl up with a good book and forget the world around me. Hell, I’d even do the dishes. Anything to escape that word document.

And then this nagging feeling creeps up on me, telling me that I should be writing. That if I were a True Writer, I would spend every waking moment writing, because I wouldn’t be able to stop myself. That if I were a True Writer, I would love it. All the time.

Sometimes I force myself to sit down and write anyway, regardless of how I feel. But sometimes I don’t.

It’s ridiculous, but if I have an evening to myself, and I don’t spend it writing, I feel guilty. I’ll feel like I’m not a True Writer.

It shouldn’t be that way. I should be allowed to have a day off, once in a while.

So this is me, saying that sometimes it’s okay not to want to write. It’s okay to take a day of. It’s okay to spend an evening relaxing and doing nothing in particular.

I give myself permission to have an evening off. To not be bothered by my conscience. To not feel like I’m inadequate.

This evening? I don’t want to write on my WIP, and that really is okay.

The eye of the storm

Do you guys know how hard it is to stay positive when there’s so much world-suck?

It’s the end of a new month and heads are yet again rolling at the place where I work. Which would be fine if could just close my eyes and pretend it isn’t happening. But I can’t because I’m the person who changes their employment status in our systems. I read their resignation letters and check if they have any special compensation that should be effectuated. I file their personnel-file under terminated employees.

I feel like I’m in the center of a tornado, at the very eye of the storm. As long as I don’t move, then everything around me is nothing but a beautifully chaotic kaleidoscope. But if I even for a second forget that I can’t control the storm or where it takes me, I risk being pulled out of the peaceful suspension I’m in and thrust into the swirling madness.

  

Photo credits  

I’m letting go, enjoying the ride and feeling thankful for the stunning view. Because what else can I do? Besides. It really is beautiful.

You look pretty! *

I had a really great Friday night.

After work I went to a café, fully intending to study and do my homework. I had my computer-science book with me. I had my chocolate iceblend with whipped cream by my side and my computer was ready to program some java.

What did I do?

I opened a word document and started typing.

I ended up with 2300 wonderfully messy new words on my story. Apart from this blog, I hadn’t been writing for a few weeks. The feeling of the words just flowing from me and into the story was amazing.

You might think that it all ended there. That I just got home and went to bed and that was the end of a very good day.

It wasn’t. It got better.

I called my sister, asking if she wanted to hang and I ended up going to her place.

She was reading my blog as I entered her apartment and was getting worried by the teen-angstiness of my recent posts.**

She decided I needed some cheering up and we watched a really funny episode of Supernatural (the one with this clip in it – seriously, I love Dean Winchester).

The evening could have ended there. I mean. It’s still a really good Friday night.

It didn’t.

We watched a DVD made by Susan Hay called Heal your Life. My sister thought I needed the motivational boost and I’ve got to say she was right. I would like to do a whole blogpost about the thoughts it started in me, the quotes I remember from it and how I stayed at my sister until 2 am talking about it.

But let me say this. I’ve found my mantra. It’s subject to change at any time, but right now?

I love myself. I forgive myself.

I love myself just as I am. I forgive myself for all the bad I’ve done and all the good I’ve neglected. And I’m letting go of all resentment.

I love myself. I forgive myself.

Have a great day everybody!

* I coudn't think of a title for this post, so instead I've distracted you with a compliment. You really do look pretty. And yes. I like you too.

** Yeah. Ehm. I use this blog as an outlet for my dreams, doubts and frustrations. I don’t take my negativity out on other people. What good would it do them to hear me whine? At least when it’s in its written form, people can gloss over it or jump to the next blogpost. In real life I’m kind of all smiles, all the time. I wouldn’t say I’m faking my happiness, because I don’t. I just don’t see the point in moping around. What good does that do? But all the angst and sadness has to emerge at some point, and this blog is where I choose to let it out.

Oh look! Despair. How I've missed you.

I’m supposed to apply for the IT University of Copenhagen to get my master's degree. Because according to like everybody, you NEED a master’s degree. ‘People’ won’t take you seriously if you only have a bachelor-degree (in Denmark we are a special breed of education-snobs).

 

Aaron Paul  understands that real knowledge comes from living.

Not from getting fancy degrees. 

I haven’t sent in my application yet. Deadline is April 1^st. Can’t this all just be part of some elaborate April-fool’s joke?

I haven’t applied yet, because truth be told I don’t really want to go back to school. I don’t want to be consumed by stress. I don’t want to live on a tight budget. I don’t want to spend every waking moment consumed by guilt because I should be studying. I don’t want to borrow money from my parents. I don’t want things to change. I don’t want to, I don’t want to, I don’t want to.

 

Aaron Paul doesn't want to either. 

Remember that new mantra I was talking about? Yeah. I think I just figured out what it is. I don’t want to. Not exactly what you might call a productive mantra.

So yeah, I need a new new mantra.

And I really need to figure out what to do with my life. 

PS

While surfing for pictures of Aaron Paul, I found this website. Totally made my day.

Sweet dreams...

Let me set the scene.

Photo credits

It’s a warm summer night and it would seem that a city that never sleeps has begun to at least dose of. The moon is small and the stars are bright.
A man wanders the lonely street, softly humming this song to himself.

Stars shining bright above you
Night breezes seems to whisper, you’ll die soon
Birds singing in the sycamore trees
Dream a little dream of me?

Say nighty night, we'll meet soon
Why hold on tight, theres no one to miss you
While you’re alone as blue as can be
Dream a little dream of me

Stars shining but I linger on dear
Still craving your screams
I’m longing to linger ‘till dawn dear
Just saying this…

Sweet dreams they’ll never find you
Sweet dreams that leaves all worries behind you
And in your dreams, whatever they’ll be
You dream a little dream of me


I promise I'm not a total psycho.

Honestly.

Photo credits