The eye of the storm

Do you guys know how hard it is to stay positive when there’s so much world-suck?

It’s the end of a new month and heads are yet again rolling at the place where I work. Which would be fine if could just close my eyes and pretend it isn’t happening. But I can’t because I’m the person who changes their employment status in our systems. I read their resignation letters and check if they have any special compensation that should be effectuated. I file their personnel-file under terminated employees.

I feel like I’m in the center of a tornado, at the very eye of the storm. As long as I don’t move, then everything around me is nothing but a beautifully chaotic kaleidoscope. But if I even for a second forget that I can’t control the storm or where it takes me, I risk being pulled out of the peaceful suspension I’m in and thrust into the swirling madness.

  

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I’m letting go, enjoying the ride and feeling thankful for the stunning view. Because what else can I do? Besides. It really is beautiful.

You look pretty! *

I had a really great Friday night.

After work I went to a café, fully intending to study and do my homework. I had my computer-science book with me. I had my chocolate iceblend with whipped cream by my side and my computer was ready to program some java.

What did I do?

I opened a word document and started typing.

I ended up with 2300 wonderfully messy new words on my story. Apart from this blog, I hadn’t been writing for a few weeks. The feeling of the words just flowing from me and into the story was amazing.

You might think that it all ended there. That I just got home and went to bed and that was the end of a very good day.

It wasn’t. It got better.

I called my sister, asking if she wanted to hang and I ended up going to her place.

She was reading my blog as I entered her apartment and was getting worried by the teen-angstiness of my recent posts.**

She decided I needed some cheering up and we watched a really funny episode of Supernatural (the one with this clip in it – seriously, I love Dean Winchester).

The evening could have ended there. I mean. It’s still a really good Friday night.

It didn’t.

We watched a DVD made by Susan Hay called Heal your Life. My sister thought I needed the motivational boost and I’ve got to say she was right. I would like to do a whole blogpost about the thoughts it started in me, the quotes I remember from it and how I stayed at my sister until 2 am talking about it.

But let me say this. I’ve found my mantra. It’s subject to change at any time, but right now?

I love myself. I forgive myself.

I love myself just as I am. I forgive myself for all the bad I’ve done and all the good I’ve neglected. And I’m letting go of all resentment.

I love myself. I forgive myself.

Have a great day everybody!

* I coudn't think of a title for this post, so instead I've distracted you with a compliment. You really do look pretty. And yes. I like you too.

** Yeah. Ehm. I use this blog as an outlet for my dreams, doubts and frustrations. I don’t take my negativity out on other people. What good would it do them to hear me whine? At least when it’s in its written form, people can gloss over it or jump to the next blogpost. In real life I’m kind of all smiles, all the time. I wouldn’t say I’m faking my happiness, because I don’t. I just don’t see the point in moping around. What good does that do? But all the angst and sadness has to emerge at some point, and this blog is where I choose to let it out.

Oh look! Despair. How I've missed you.

I’m supposed to apply for the IT University of Copenhagen to get my master's degree. Because according to like everybody, you NEED a master’s degree. ‘People’ won’t take you seriously if you only have a bachelor-degree (in Denmark we are a special breed of education-snobs).

 

Aaron Paul  understands that real knowledge comes from living.

Not from getting fancy degrees. 

I haven’t sent in my application yet. Deadline is April 1^st. Can’t this all just be part of some elaborate April-fool’s joke?

I haven’t applied yet, because truth be told I don’t really want to go back to school. I don’t want to be consumed by stress. I don’t want to live on a tight budget. I don’t want to spend every waking moment consumed by guilt because I should be studying. I don’t want to borrow money from my parents. I don’t want things to change. I don’t want to, I don’t want to, I don’t want to.

 

Aaron Paul doesn't want to either. 

Remember that new mantra I was talking about? Yeah. I think I just figured out what it is. I don’t want to. Not exactly what you might call a productive mantra.

So yeah, I need a new new mantra.

And I really need to figure out what to do with my life. 

PS

While surfing for pictures of Aaron Paul, I found this website. Totally made my day.

Sweet dreams...

Let me set the scene.

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It’s a warm summer night and it would seem that a city that never sleeps has begun to at least dose of. The moon is small and the stars are bright.
A man wanders the lonely street, softly humming this song to himself.

Stars shining bright above you
Night breezes seems to whisper, you’ll die soon
Birds singing in the sycamore trees
Dream a little dream of me?

Say nighty night, we'll meet soon
Why hold on tight, theres no one to miss you
While you’re alone as blue as can be
Dream a little dream of me

Stars shining but I linger on dear
Still craving your screams
I’m longing to linger ‘till dawn dear
Just saying this…

Sweet dreams they’ll never find you
Sweet dreams that leaves all worries behind you
And in your dreams, whatever they’ll be
You dream a little dream of me


I promise I'm not a total psycho.

Honestly.

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Sometimes?

I just want to watch the world burn... 

New Mantra Needed

I read this post by Natalie Whipple and something about it struck a chord.

By the way if you don’t already, I highly suggest you to follow her blog. It’s filled with educational, thoughtful and inspirational posts. Like this one.

She’s talking about the difference between fixing a problem in a story and polishing the story to make it shine and how the former is inherently negative and the latter is more positive. If you focus on the problems, they will expand until one day, they are all you can see.

I hate to admit it, but she’s right. And why don’t I want to admit it? Because I’m one those who focuses on the problem. ‘How can I fix this?’ is a mantra that is on repeat in my mind. This need to fix things is inherent in me, whether it is in regards to my stories of my life in general.

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I’ve recently begun to wonder if I should try to dial it back a bit (and look at me, trying to fix the problem of me trying fix my problems – is your head spinning as well? Ahem. Anyway.).

You might say that it’s just a matter of semantics, but if you’re a writer like me, you know that words have power. Words really do shape the way we look at the world and more importantly, how we act.

I need to find a new mantra. Instead of ‘How can I fix this?’ I need something that focuses on the positive aspects of my story/my life/my everything.

Once I find it, I’ll be sure to let you know what it is.

Hmm hmm bah humbug?

Not much going on today. No funny videos or cute guys I just have to introduce you to.   

It's not that it’s a bad day. It’s just a bleh day.

I’ve been thinking about boys. Why I like them. Why they like me. Why I even bother.

I mean, what's so wrong with just growing old and dying alone?

Ehm, that came out wrong… but really. Why do we need to have a One True Love? Every marriage that doesn’t end in divorce, ends in death. No matter what you do, you will eventually lose your One True Love.

So why does finding one still matter to me?

Why is it that when I flirt with guys and get compliments, I smile and feel better about myself? Why do I need that validation? Do I really have so low self-esteem?

When do you know that a guy is the one? And if you have to ask yourself if he might be the one, doesn’t that automatically mean that he’s not? 

These are the things I’m thinking about today. Lots of questions and no answers.