Patterns - The Stories we Tell Ourselves

I've repeated some patterns to death these last 7 years. There's a reason I hardly talk about guys on this blog. It's because it's always the same story. I meet a guy I like. I tell myself that it's nothing. He shows interest in me too and then I get hurt because I overthink everything. This happens once in a year or maybe less.

I just returned after a break and read the above paragraph. I started to delete it because it's so obviously wrong but I think I'll let it be.

Let me point out all the ways that first paragraph is wrong.

I am not the fucking reason why my relations to men never work out. It's not because I overthink it. It's not because I'm doing it wrong or scaring them off. I am not the fucking cause of the problems or the reason we don’t work out.

It’s also never the same story. The guy in question, the circumstances, my feelings; all these things are different each time.

When I meet a guy and things don’t work out, it’s due to a wide array of issues. Maybe it's timing. Maybe he's immature as fuck. Maybe he's in a weird place in his life. Maybe he's depressed. None of the above things are my fault. I am not the cause of these issues.

Which of course means that I can't control these things either. Sometimes shit just doesn't work out. And that's OK.

I can't believe I'm 27 and still have to remind myself that I am not in control of the universe.

I'm taking a chill pill now.

If I could control the universe I’d set myself up for a date with Tom Hiddleston.

 

But since I can’t I’ll just be content with posting pictures of him and appreciating the fact that he exists. It gives me hope.

Tom is like the black swan that proves that even though all you’ve seen in real life so far are white swans, other kinds of swans do exist.

I feel no remorse about this Tom Hiddleston black/white spam. It's just simply marvelous.

But I do feel it's important to note that the patterns you notice in your own behavior? They might not actually be there. It's just stories we tell ourselves to make sense of the world. Usually when I tell myself the story of my life, I put way too much importance on the consequences of my actions. But the alternative - letting go - has always terrified me more than the guilt I felt for not being good enough.

But I think I have to start letting go and be more kind to myself. I'll keep you updated on how that goes.