An Annoyingly Deep Post

I haven’t said much here. I’ve always used this blog as a place to moan and bitch and be annoyingly philosophical (and occasionally to gush about geeky stuff). 

I saw this blog as a relatively safe place to be negative and whiny.

But there’s never a safe place to do that. You shouldn’t try to minimize the pain you inflict on others. You should try to figure out why you have this need to whine or be negative in the first place.

I got a roommate when I moved over here. She told me I needed to get out of my own head. She said it was okay that I bitched, moaned and complained to her. She wanted me to come out of my shell. It’s not that I’m shy. I’m not. But I protect myself from the world (side-effect: protecting the world from me).

Being that level of open with another person might seem trivial to those who already know how to do that, but it’s a whole new world to me.

The thing is, once you start to open up, once there’s somebody else than yourself listening to your thoughts, it becomes clear that something isn’t right.

So far in my life I’ve managed to create coping mechanisms (deny, deny, deny all the problems). But I don’t want to deny my problems. I don’t want to develop coping mechanisms. I want to not have a need for them anymore.

No more thinking 15 steps ahead, trying to anticipate the actions of others, to try to figure out how they will end up hurting me.

Did you know that if you think 15 steps ahead, everybody will potentially hurt you? And then you begin to take steps to avoid them hurting you. You try to please them. Try to make them like you, so they will nice to you in return.

The underlying assumption is that they will hurt you. They might not intend to, but they will end up doing it anyway. It’s just a matter of time (this is a lesson learned through experience). And since they don’t mean to, it’s up to you to stop it.

Crap has happened to me and I’ve been hurt. I guess it has happened to a lot of people. My personal way to deal with it has been to say that it was okay, because the person responsible for the sending the shit-storm my way didn’t know better.

But you know what? That’s fucking bullshit.

People should know better than to bully each other. To torment each other. To lie. To use violence.

I’d like to think I am this complex mess. That my problems are truly unique. That at least in my level of fucked-up-ness I can be something special. But I’m really not. My personal set of problems are just a regular round of trust issues, coupled with mild anxiety and debilitating feeling of guilt.

Trust more. Worry less. Forgive those around you and yourself.

Yeah.

Fuck if I know how, though.